thefairymelusine: (mantel quote)
Because I am now trying to be a Sensible Person, who prioritises both my health and my university coursework above most things, I have taken an extension on the last two pieces of coursework. (I took it a couple of weeks ago, I still have two weeks remaining until the actual set in stone deadline but I really want to get them finished.)

This means that the last two pieces of coursework are really dragging, because I've kinda lost the adrenalin rush of the end of the year, and also my joints have been hellish this week (probably for hormonal reasons) and I unexpectedly needed to sort out a big life admin thing in the beginning of this week as well as a broken phone. (The tail end of Mercury retrograde decided to go all in on being Mercury retrograde*). I want this stuff to be gone, and I want not to have to take major breaks because of the pain, and to worry about it less. I am actually managing work (and managed not to fall apart during stressful stuff earlier in the week) but if anyone has some spare motivation and energy could they loan it to me?

It is survivable. And in a few days I will actually be done with this year, and be able to work out how I'm managing the summer.







*I take astrology with a heavy pinch of salt, but there are times when, for  example, my phone has broken at the same time as a complicated admin thing I need to sort out happening and I am dissociating on a high street when the possible placebo effect of an explanation which is neutral is very helpful.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:12am on 22/04/2016
My dad rang when I was in the library earlier, and I texted to say I'd call back. He texted me to tell me that Prince had died.

Back when I wrote about Bowie, I wrote about the feeling of admiring someone but not being a fan, the sadness that comes from that cultural loss but not wanting to intrude.

My dad is a massive Prince fan. I am a Prince fan. I've been one since I was a kid. I got my dad and I tickets for the residency at the O2 when I was 18, as a birthday present for Dad, and it was the first grown up/expensive gift I gave. I stayed up late in my early teens to watch Purple Rain on telly, and i fell asleep so many times listening to that and Sign of the Times on tape.

I want to say how and why he mattered, but also can't. It mattered that he was short, and effeminate, and sang about sex but also God. It mattered that a few years ago my sister (who had epilepsy) and I (who have chronic pain) discovered that he had both those conditions and that was reason he had such a flamboyant and constructed stage persona. It mattered that he did weird, sometimes unwise but thoughtful things about his relationship with record labels.

Bye Purple One. We'll miss you.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:54pm on 10/04/2016 under , ,
I've been thinking about how, as I edge closer to thirty than twenty, even with my own relatively loose schedule it gets harder to see my friends. The category of "people I adore and to whom I am genuinely close, but see at best once every six, if not every 18 months" covers more people. As indeed does the category of "people I quite like but with whom I have just lost touch, not for important reasons but because we lose touch with people over time"

I've just had two weeks off university, during which I had to admit that I was *not* going to catch up with everyone I wanted to see, because I needed to spend quite a lot of time Doing Very Little plus trying to catch up on some work. I did actually manage an uncharacteristic level of Being Sociable- I went to a friend's birthday party. I hung out with my friends C and H who did a lot of looking after me when we were all in London in 2011-2015, and whom I do actually still see more than most other people, but hadn't seen without us all being terribly busy since the summer, really. I saw the one friend with whom I am in touch from school for dinner and drinks, and a friend whom I've known since 2009 and to whom I am very close, but managed to not see for 5 years because we were both in different sorts of appalling health from late 2011 to January.

I feel like this is one of the parts of adulthood for which I'm unprepared: it's not that I was excellent at having friends as a small human, I was very lonely and badly bullied and didn't really master the "person I talk to most days" level of friendship til my late teens (with a friend whom I'm seeing for coffee sometime next month, to whom I don't talk as much now because we're just busier, but who hasn't ceased to matter). But it is an odd thing to which to get used, and one of the things that I think is especially difficult to navigate when single, because I lack a default person or people with whom to make plans.

I've got five weeks left of term, if we include exams, and then I've got the summer and I'm a bit scared of it. It hit me when I got back the other week that I don't really have a social support network in London any more, other than parents, because people have moved away or are busy. And that is probably normal for a 27 year old living in his hometown who moved away for a bit, but it still feels a bit jarring.
location: Belle Ombre
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:13am on 06/04/2016
Last update was ahead of the week in which I had All The Migraines and All The Panic Attacks. Have been off uni for a week and a bit, and am a bit behind on study but also Really Needed a few days definitely off. My body is really not being great atm, and I am jarringly switching between either Functional and Charming and Sociable and very clearly not very functional and quasi verbal.

I have been listening to the audiobook versions of the Peter Grant books- am halfway through Foxglove Summer, and I really like them. I know London is an incredibly overused setting in fiction, but it is seldom written really well. And Peter... feels real. His flaws and quirks feel like flaws and quirks a person would have.

I am writing this in the bath having finally purchased some weird expensive bath stuff which might help with joints. I currently object to my joints, a lot, but I am going to try and take painkillers in a way that means I can sleep in a bit. I had a stellar nap earlier- devoid of nightmares for once, and my dream was nice (clearly influenced by the books, as it was chatting to river spirits and eating a lot of ice cream). My subconscious is so often awful that I feel I should note the nicer times.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 12:48am on 23/03/2016
I am currently having a very, very bad evening dysphoria wise. I have not been able to bind all week because of a cold, and am trying to wait until it is fully cleared before I start binding again.

Have been *heavily* dissociating as well the last day and a bit, so I think that is a factor.

If people could post comforting things I'd appreciate it.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 12:43pm on 19/03/2016 under , , ,
I have come down with my third debilitating cough/temperature/cold symptoms in SIX WEEKS? This is very silly. The good news is: it isn't bronchitis (given the type of cough my parents and disability mentor thought it might be bronchitis). Went to the GP yesterday and was told it might turn into bronchitis, but to wait and see. (The effects of 6 and a bit years of binding mean I am more likely to get chest infections)

It's still bad enough that I can't really bind, which is very annoying, and I'm still in a moderate depressive episode which is worsened by being ill. Have been worse at remembering taking my painkillers, too, and then hitting exhausted combinations of pain + depression + pain induced fatigue.

In good news: returned my forms to Charing Cross (recorded delivery) yesterday, so might actually get an appointment at some point in the next year, despite having to take many extensions my course is going okay, I have nice friends who have been nice and encouraging when I've been ill and low this week
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 09:57pm on 23/02/2016 under ,
I had a horrible cold a few weeks ago, which I thought this weekend was just about gone. (To the degree that last night I was eating a curry and feeling glad that I did not feel the need to order a super spicy one in order to get rid of the blocked feeling and that I could eat scratchy things without my throat feeling like sandpaper). Last night I packed stuff for my early lecture seminar, went to bed, fell into a half doze...

and then woke throughout the night every twenty-forty minutes with an awful hacking cough, to the degree that by the time it was near morning and the lecture/seminar I did not feel able to go. I have been dosing up on lemsip and trying to keep warm and rest, in the hope that it will go away soon.

I am a bit stressed because of 1) heavier than normal week of classes (a class was postponed owing to the tutor's illness a few weeks ago, so the catch up class is on Thursday) 2) DSA equipment training on Thursday and 3) a dude on my campus who has decided to theatrically blank me, after he tried to insist to me that misogyny did not exist when I was just.trying.to.eat.my.bloody.dinner. (I told him it was pretty misogynist to insist that *ALL* women/people with experience of being read as women merely 'claimed misogyny to escape rational criticism). And... I have no obligation to be polite to sexist/misogynist arseholes, and I have no desire to apologise, but I find the being theatrically blanked a bit wearing, especially as it is difficult to avoid being in the same spaces as him (the dining hall, the stairwell of the building in which I live, for example)

I have more to share I guess but today I am tired and my throat hurts and I keep coughing, so will keep it to this for the moment
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 02:12pm on 12/02/2016 under
Today is my birthday- I celebrated this morning by having some unexpected but routine blood tests, and am about to get back on a bus to uni, as I'm having a party this evening. I feel a bit odd about being 27- my dad turned 27 the year I was born, I feel I should be a proper grown up now. But also, I got here, and that took work.
thefairymelusine: (mantel quote)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 08:35am on 02/02/2016
Killing time before my 9am lecture in a way which does not require me to talk to people. Grades from last term were really pretty good, but I am in the state of mind where I am focusing on the one module with a weak (ish) grade, and not the double module and the other module which both had good ones, which is silly because my results last term were better than any results I had got to date.

I am glad to be back- the lack of structure other than a one I had invented in late January was driving me a bit mad. However, I am low and odd and therefore I am reacting to Regular Contact with Other Humans, even ones I like, badly- I want to withdraw/push everyone away in a way which I will not do as it is not a good thing, but is tempting.

I need to find some way of getting passport photos later.
thefairymelusine: (Dark Knight)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 03:22am on 21/01/2016
Anxiety and a pain flare have rendered me unable to sleep. This is irritating (I need to be up early-ish tomorrow morning in order to tidy my flat and meet a friend who is visiting at the station, and I'd like to be able to enjoy his visit without being super tired or having to take a nap at some point). I should probably listen to one of my stupidly new agey meditations to calm down and knit or read for a bit if that doesn't work.

(Note: there is a series of meditations I find incredibly useful, but am embarrassed about doing so, so justify my use of them by mentally categorising them as described above)

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