thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 08:00pm on 15/06/2017
This is the cheerier life update. 

I am graduating Friday week with an English Literature BA First Class Honours.

thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
So, for the last year, on and off, but more on than off, I have been in a fairly grim and difficult financial situation thanks to bureaucracy (which I can/will explain either via PM or in a locked entry, but I am wary of putting much details in an unlocked entry). As much of it has been taken care of as is humanly possible so far, but it makes this summer fairly difficult as my current sources of money are: 1) PIP, which I am very grateful for but is not a huge amount of income per month, 2) asking my parents for a loan when I absolutely run out, which is not ideal as I have spent a considerable chunk of my life trying to not be remotely financially entangled with them and it does not help with various dynamics (them still strongly disapproving of my transition etc eight years after it started) and 3) asking some close friends when stuff is dire.

Those are still my first port of call, but I am graduating next week and there are various expenses (clearing library fines, replacing a book because of BLOODY DYSPRAXIA interacting terribly with pain and depression) which I need to meet around that, as well as the fact that it would be great if I could avoid asking my parents for money for groceries and having my every financial transaction monitored by them.

So, I feel bad about doing this, and DO NOT donate unless you can afford it, but I thought I would put up a PayPal donation button and see that helps.

(I am looking at other things which can help, but I am in a weird double bind thanks to the bureaucracy thing where paid work isn't an option until they make a clear decision)

thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 06:28pm on 25/05/2017
 I have literally one essay left on my degree, and that is making me feel a bit weird. (I think I am actually in a perfectly good position to start writing it, I just feel odd and afraid of starting writing because it is The Last Thing. And I do actually want it out of the way, I just need to avoid perfectionism regarding it and at least write a draft. This means the fact that I have opened a document and typed an introduction is good). 

Endings generally make me feel a bit weird, and it turns out I feel really weird about undergrad finishing, partially because the ending of school was not really there (I mean, I went in for 'last day before study leave stuff' but I'd had to drop out because of being hospitalised, so it is nice but strange to actually have end of degree stuff happen? (And also has involved a lot of having to remind myself that it is very, very unlikely that everything will go horribly wrong at near last minute again).

I am just about coming out of a really quite bad depressive episode which started at some point in  February and went on until a week or two ago. (it's not gone, I'm still depressed, I'm just out of REALLY BAD depression which is a relief) With that and pain stuff having been bad enough that I had to go to A and E in late March, I really should actually be quite pleased that 1) I have got everything in and done by the deadlines set 2) I have managed to consistently do some good and difficult work when really ill, and also turn up to things.

thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 07:13pm on 15/02/2017
 There's a lot of stuff going on, and I am trying to sort through my own thoughts about it a tad. I turned 28 on Sunday, and I have spent much of the time since then wanting to have a nap, but I presume this is a normal 28 year old behaviour. I presented at an internal symposium at uni this time last week and it went really well. I have some generally good stuff going on study/career wise, and this is very good. 

I also still have depression, and get thrown by unexpected triggers, and then catastrophise these into Literally Everything Wrong with me so I am trying to make some notes of concrete things which are good.

I was on the phone to friend-I-talk-to-most-days, the other day, comparing notes on stuff, and he pointed out that while I still have a fair amount of emotional ups and downs 'they're not as bad as they were three years ago, in that, you used to regularly go from a three to a one, whereas now you go from say a six to a four, or a three, which still sucks, but is a lot better'. I thought about it a lot, (and then accidentally looked at some old emails from three years ago) and think that that is fairly true, and also a helpful way of looking at it.

Another concrete thing: 

I had a birthday party on Saturday, and I went to Intrusion last night, and both were lovely and also suffered slightly from the problem of 'a social thing with lots of people I know and like at it, and not managing to talk to all of them for long enough/at all'. And I finished supper tonight, and thought about how nice a problem that is to have, in the grand scheme of things, and that I am lucky it is sometimes a problem I have. So I wanted to note that. 
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 07:16pm on 17/11/2016
 That I have finally started: logging in for application forms for masters degrees, and also, confirmed all three of my references. 

(I plan to do my masters applications in the form of lots of small bursts of filling them in while otherwise feeling incredibly apprehensive) 
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posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 10:59pm on 13/10/2016
I am back at university, and have got to all vital appointments and classes in the first three weeks. (My timetable this term is heavily concentrated, which means I have to try and absolutely always be on form on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but that most of the rest of the week is my own to structure. I think I like this? It sort of worked for me during my access course. But also, it means I will probably be quite stressed on Monday and Tuesday evenings and basically a zombie on Wednesdays evenings throughout the next three months. All this is bearable, and knowing it at the beginning of term is a good thing).

I am, lets face it, really quite anxious about third year but I am trying to mostly experience that as 1) it makes sense to care about a year which is very important to completing my degree 2) I am actually capable of rising to the challenge 3) it is not a final dreadful culmination of my worth, it is a set of tasks I have to complete in order to get to the next phase of my career and onto masters etc. Which I think is the right way to look at this.

(I started writing this on Thursday of Week One, and then failed to post it. Although I am still really pleased that I have managed decent attendance since then, especially as health and pain stuff have been sub-optimal. It is a Thursday, so while I have done some necessary things I have also been useless at work, as I predicted I would be on Thursdays, but I am pleased with how work is going so far and that is good).

thefairymelusine: (mantel quote)
Because I am now trying to be a Sensible Person, who prioritises both my health and my university coursework above most things, I have taken an extension on the last two pieces of coursework. (I took it a couple of weeks ago, I still have two weeks remaining until the actual set in stone deadline but I really want to get them finished.)

This means that the last two pieces of coursework are really dragging, because I've kinda lost the adrenalin rush of the end of the year, and also my joints have been hellish this week (probably for hormonal reasons) and I unexpectedly needed to sort out a big life admin thing in the beginning of this week as well as a broken phone. (The tail end of Mercury retrograde decided to go all in on being Mercury retrograde*). I want this stuff to be gone, and I want not to have to take major breaks because of the pain, and to worry about it less. I am actually managing work (and managed not to fall apart during stressful stuff earlier in the week) but if anyone has some spare motivation and energy could they loan it to me?

It is survivable. And in a few days I will actually be done with this year, and be able to work out how I'm managing the summer.

*I take astrology with a heavy pinch of salt, but there are times when, for  example, my phone has broken at the same time as a complicated admin thing I need to sort out happening and I am dissociating on a high street when the possible placebo effect of an explanation which is neutral is very helpful.
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posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:12am on 22/04/2016
My dad rang when I was in the library earlier, and I texted to say I'd call back. He texted me to tell me that Prince had died.

Back when I wrote about Bowie, I wrote about the feeling of admiring someone but not being a fan, the sadness that comes from that cultural loss but not wanting to intrude.

My dad is a massive Prince fan. I am a Prince fan. I've been one since I was a kid. I got my dad and I tickets for the residency at the O2 when I was 18, as a birthday present for Dad, and it was the first grown up/expensive gift I gave. I stayed up late in my early teens to watch Purple Rain on telly, and i fell asleep so many times listening to that and Sign of the Times on tape.

I want to say how and why he mattered, but also can't. It mattered that he was short, and effeminate, and sang about sex but also God. It mattered that a few years ago my sister (who had epilepsy) and I (who have chronic pain) discovered that he had both those conditions and that was reason he had such a flamboyant and constructed stage persona. It mattered that he did weird, sometimes unwise but thoughtful things about his relationship with record labels.

Bye Purple One. We'll miss you.
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posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:54pm on 10/04/2016 under , ,
I've been thinking about how, as I edge closer to thirty than twenty, even with my own relatively loose schedule it gets harder to see my friends. The category of "people I adore and to whom I am genuinely close, but see at best once every six, if not every 18 months" covers more people. As indeed does the category of "people I quite like but with whom I have just lost touch, not for important reasons but because we lose touch with people over time"

I've just had two weeks off university, during which I had to admit that I was *not* going to catch up with everyone I wanted to see, because I needed to spend quite a lot of time Doing Very Little plus trying to catch up on some work. I did actually manage an uncharacteristic level of Being Sociable- I went to a friend's birthday party. I hung out with my friends C and H who did a lot of looking after me when we were all in London in 2011-2015, and whom I do actually still see more than most other people, but hadn't seen without us all being terribly busy since the summer, really. I saw the one friend with whom I am in touch from school for dinner and drinks, and a friend whom I've known since 2009 and to whom I am very close, but managed to not see for 5 years because we were both in different sorts of appalling health from late 2011 to January.

I feel like this is one of the parts of adulthood for which I'm unprepared: it's not that I was excellent at having friends as a small human, I was very lonely and badly bullied and didn't really master the "person I talk to most days" level of friendship til my late teens (with a friend whom I'm seeing for coffee sometime next month, to whom I don't talk as much now because we're just busier, but who hasn't ceased to matter). But it is an odd thing to which to get used, and one of the things that I think is especially difficult to navigate when single, because I lack a default person or people with whom to make plans.

I've got five weeks left of term, if we include exams, and then I've got the summer and I'm a bit scared of it. It hit me when I got back the other week that I don't really have a social support network in London any more, other than parents, because people have moved away or are busy. And that is probably normal for a 27 year old living in his hometown who moved away for a bit, but it still feels a bit jarring.
location: Belle Ombre
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:13am on 06/04/2016
Last update was ahead of the week in which I had All The Migraines and All The Panic Attacks. Have been off uni for a week and a bit, and am a bit behind on study but also Really Needed a few days definitely off. My body is really not being great atm, and I am jarringly switching between either Functional and Charming and Sociable and very clearly not very functional and quasi verbal.

I have been listening to the audiobook versions of the Peter Grant books- am halfway through Foxglove Summer, and I really like them. I know London is an incredibly overused setting in fiction, but it is seldom written really well. And Peter... feels real. His flaws and quirks feel like flaws and quirks a person would have.

I am writing this in the bath having finally purchased some weird expensive bath stuff which might help with joints. I currently object to my joints, a lot, but I am going to try and take painkillers in a way that means I can sleep in a bit. I had a stellar nap earlier- devoid of nightmares for once, and my dream was nice (clearly influenced by the books, as it was chatting to river spirits and eating a lot of ice cream). My subconscious is so often awful that I feel I should note the nicer times.


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