thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 12:48am on 23/03/2016
I am currently having a very, very bad evening dysphoria wise. I have not been able to bind all week because of a cold, and am trying to wait until it is fully cleared before I start binding again.

Have been *heavily* dissociating as well the last day and a bit, so I think that is a factor.

If people could post comforting things I'd appreciate it.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 12:43pm on 19/03/2016 under , , ,
I have come down with my third debilitating cough/temperature/cold symptoms in SIX WEEKS? This is very silly. The good news is: it isn't bronchitis (given the type of cough my parents and disability mentor thought it might be bronchitis). Went to the GP yesterday and was told it might turn into bronchitis, but to wait and see. (The effects of 6 and a bit years of binding mean I am more likely to get chest infections)

It's still bad enough that I can't really bind, which is very annoying, and I'm still in a moderate depressive episode which is worsened by being ill. Have been worse at remembering taking my painkillers, too, and then hitting exhausted combinations of pain + depression + pain induced fatigue.

In good news: returned my forms to Charing Cross (recorded delivery) yesterday, so might actually get an appointment at some point in the next year, despite having to take many extensions my course is going okay, I have nice friends who have been nice and encouraging when I've been ill and low this week
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 09:57pm on 23/02/2016 under ,
I had a horrible cold a few weeks ago, which I thought this weekend was just about gone. (To the degree that last night I was eating a curry and feeling glad that I did not feel the need to order a super spicy one in order to get rid of the blocked feeling and that I could eat scratchy things without my throat feeling like sandpaper). Last night I packed stuff for my early lecture seminar, went to bed, fell into a half doze...

and then woke throughout the night every twenty-forty minutes with an awful hacking cough, to the degree that by the time it was near morning and the lecture/seminar I did not feel able to go. I have been dosing up on lemsip and trying to keep warm and rest, in the hope that it will go away soon.

I am a bit stressed because of 1) heavier than normal week of classes (a class was postponed owing to the tutor's illness a few weeks ago, so the catch up class is on Thursday) 2) DSA equipment training on Thursday and 3) a dude on my campus who has decided to theatrically blank me, after he tried to insist to me that misogyny did not exist when I was just.trying.to.eat.my.bloody.dinner. (I told him it was pretty misogynist to insist that *ALL* women/people with experience of being read as women merely 'claimed misogyny to escape rational criticism). And... I have no obligation to be polite to sexist/misogynist arseholes, and I have no desire to apologise, but I find the being theatrically blanked a bit wearing, especially as it is difficult to avoid being in the same spaces as him (the dining hall, the stairwell of the building in which I live, for example)

I have more to share I guess but today I am tired and my throat hurts and I keep coughing, so will keep it to this for the moment
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 02:12pm on 12/02/2016 under
Today is my birthday- I celebrated this morning by having some unexpected but routine blood tests, and am about to get back on a bus to uni, as I'm having a party this evening. I feel a bit odd about being 27- my dad turned 27 the year I was born, I feel I should be a proper grown up now. But also, I got here, and that took work.
thefairymelusine: (mantel quote)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 08:35am on 02/02/2016
Killing time before my 9am lecture in a way which does not require me to talk to people. Grades from last term were really pretty good, but I am in the state of mind where I am focusing on the one module with a weak (ish) grade, and not the double module and the other module which both had good ones, which is silly because my results last term were better than any results I had got to date.

I am glad to be back- the lack of structure other than a one I had invented in late January was driving me a bit mad. However, I am low and odd and therefore I am reacting to Regular Contact with Other Humans, even ones I like, badly- I want to withdraw/push everyone away in a way which I will not do as it is not a good thing, but is tempting.

I need to find some way of getting passport photos later.
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posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 03:22am on 21/01/2016
Anxiety and a pain flare have rendered me unable to sleep. This is irritating (I need to be up early-ish tomorrow morning in order to tidy my flat and meet a friend who is visiting at the station, and I'd like to be able to enjoy his visit without being super tired or having to take a nap at some point). I should probably listen to one of my stupidly new agey meditations to calm down and knit or read for a bit if that doesn't work.

(Note: there is a series of meditations I find incredibly useful, but am embarrassed about doing so, so justify my use of them by mentally categorising them as described above)
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 04:43pm on 12/01/2016
Apparently I loved Labyrinth as a kid, according to my dad. It makes sense that I would, especially around the age of 7-9, and even give unreliability of memory it makes sense that I would have seen it, and that my dad would not be lying. Unfortunately trauma around school and parental illness ate quite a lot of that period of memories, so I couldn't remember it for a long time, and skipped it in my teens somehow, so I don't remember seeing it until I was 25. I went to an open air screening during the last couple of weeks of my access course and sobbed through most of it (in a good way). And he's a pretty integral part of it.

This a long preamble to my intro about how my main experience of Bowie is as an artist my cooler queer friends and acquaintances adored. I was listening to some of his work on Spotify yesterday, and had overwhelming memories of sitting on couches trying to impress people I fancied while listening to him. Which probably says something about the level of influence he had on aesthetics and the queer community, and were not unpleasant memories to have. Pointing out that I'm not a proper fan is mostly me wanting to observe that lots of people were, whereas I only had any albums because a cooler friend sold me his old computer.

There's a couple of his songs which mean a lot to me: Rebel Rebel from when I was 20, and moving away from home, and trying to figure out gender. A year or two ago I discovered Queen Bitch and it matters too, because of senses of failure and because of needing a shot of bitterness ("I could do better than that") to get through everything.

I didn't want to not mark it, is all. I will miss there being new Bowie songs which cooler friends play me, and appreciate what he did.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 11:05pm on 01/01/2016 under , ,
I rang in the new year pleasantly, at a small dinner party I was hosting at which just enough of the invitees turned up to justify me buying slightly fancier wine and artichokes than usual.

2015 was not a disastrous year- compared to some years it was pretty okay. I didn't have any catastrophic bad things happen directly to me, and I completed the stuff I wanted to an adequate degree (see: am still at uni, recent grades have been decent, etc). Most of my energy went on my degree and a couple of other boring, pretending to be a functional human goals (work experience, increasing my ability to cook, etc). I had some bad mental health stuff, but it did not knock me for six (for once I did the sensible thing of taking advantage of all my disability accommodations and telling anyone I was working with that I needed them). My chronic pain stuff has got worse, which is unpleasant, and I felt tired a lot. As mentioned elsewhere, I am fairly sure I went outside EVERY DAY, if not I managed the vast majority of days, and that is an achievement.

In short, 2015 was a year in which I coped. Much like the David Sedaris remark about how no one really wants to be described as benign, while there is nothing wrong with coping and I'm glad to do so, I'd rather not have it as the highest accolade for the year in question, but it probably is. 2015 was also dominated by an abnormally high number of my close friends having *terrible* years and this really doesn't earn it points. (Obviously, I did not experience this directly but it really affected my experience of the year overall, and if 2016 could leave my friends alone next year I would appreciate it.)

I had a break up about which I'm still a bit sad- the relationship was imperfect but pleasant, and I am annoyed by how much of the year I spent single. My new year's resolutions this year were a writing related one which I didn't fully manage but did partially manage, and 'no grand pyrotechnic fallings out' with close friends, which again, was only a partial success. (Does being friend-dumped count if you try and mostly handle it amicably?)

I think this sounds bitterer than I intended, and that is probably affected by two things: the fact that I'm in quite a bad pain flare after a (lovely) walk today, and the fact that I just watched whatever on earth the latest Sherlock episode was. I am actually fairly optimistic- I'm in my flat, with my Christmas tree, and I am going to eat some Viennetta in a minute before bed.

I hope this year is kind to you, and I hope that you know how much I enjoy this place. (Dreamwidth is meant here, not my flat, although obviously I like the latter)
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 07:31pm on 23/12/2015
Semester is over! I am so bloody glad it's over. The last few days of it were quite nice, I went to my friends' shared house Christmas dinner and to see Star Wars on Friday, and then my best friend at uni and I had our annual overly fancy Christmas dinner, and I managed to finish some work around that. Mum turned up late on Sunday morning and helped me finish packing. I've been at the ancestral for a few days, mostly hanging out with my sister and the cat and dog, and being very, very tired.t

1. I have bought festive gifts, and not either spent too much, or left stuff last minute.

2. Friend-I-talk-to-most-days is having a rough time, and therefore has often been out of communication, but yesterday I woke up to a text from him.

3. The days don't get any shorter now.

4. I may have worked out how to knit hats? I made a santa hat for one of my sister's ornaments, and am trying to translate this into person size hats.

5. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have an appointment for my chronic joint pain issues in the new year, and this is very good.

6. I am reading The Buried Giant, and while I have not yet finished it, so far it is pretty darn good.

7. I am decorating *my* Christmas tree this evening and while I am kind of sad to be doing it by myself this year, I am still pleased and feel weirdly grown up about having my own Christmas tree.

8. As I am home I can have a bath. I really missed baths. (I *can* shower but sensory and pain issues make it more difficult, especially on bad brain days)

9. I also have purple hair dye to top up my purple hair.

10. I got a sweet email from a friend at uni last year who dropped out after the summer, and that was nice because I'd been worrying about him and hadn't heard from him for a while.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 06:27pm on 14/12/2015 under , ,
I have an exam tomorrow morning. It should go okay- I'm about to do a last burst of revision for it tonight, and then shower and watch a film and knit for a little while.

Good wishes, or thoughts or prayers (if that is your kind of thing) would be appreciated. I am nearly through this semester and while it's mostly been good academically I am SO. BLOODY. TIRED.

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