July 19th, 2017
quirkytizzy: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] quirkytizzy at 08:08pm on 19/07/2017
The days usually end up in a better place than where they started. Or at least more days than not.

It's slow but it's progress.
rootsofthestories: The silhouette of someone looking up into the evening sky (misc: belief)
July 18th, 2017
rootsofthestories: (misc: tiny stories)
July 17th, 2017
rootsofthestories: A laptop and a cup of coffee on a desk (writing: laptops and fuel)
rootsofthestories: Someone surrounded by boos and such with their head on the desk (writing: how do words)
July 16th, 2017
recessional: maria hill from an mcu film-clip (film; just keep me next to you)
quirkytizzy: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] quirkytizzy at 03:45pm on 16/07/2017 under
Ever have those bad dreams that, upon awakening, seem absolutely ridiculous that it should bother you at all? Woke up 4 times last night, most of it centering on David's parents being furious at me for "causing" his transgenderism and being intent on taking revenge for it. Nothing bloody, just locking me up in their filthy home. (Which, with their hoarding, would lead to a meltdown in about .02 seconds.)

No matter what I may believe about David's gender change, (1) that's all him and (2) it was there years before we got together. Not to mention, David's parents, for all their faults, are exceedingly civil people. It might be awkward if we all found ourselves at the same restaurant, but I know they wouldn't be confrontational about it.

SO annoying to dream something like that to the point where it would wake me up multiple times.

The rest of the dreams centered on anxiety symbolism. Falling through ice and have to claw through arctic cold water. High waves dragging me under, suffocating and quickly freezing me to near death. Being trapped somewhere and not being able to get away. The typical bullshit my brain puts in the movie reel when I'm worried about the other shoe dropping.

Thanks, brain. Good to know I can always rely on you for a pep talk.

I'd lain back down, hoping to catch up sleep. Not much luck there. I'll drift comfortably for an hour and then have to get up. It's making the self-destructive behaviors (always at our worst when we don't sleep well) stir, taking interest in my lack of defenses.

So I did some cleaning. Still having annoying urges, but they are in the background. Will lay back down again soon. A clean house is always easier to sleep in.

Girlyswirl, as soon as I'm able, I'm going to give your journal a thorough reading. I've missed a lot going on in your life. I find it so hard most days to reach out to other people, but it sounds like you and I got some shit hand-in-hand to walk through.

The voices were back yesterday - and they were much clearer than ever before. Two women having a conversation. A conversation about me. I actually heard words this time. "She's so useless right now...might as well...why does she feel this way about herself?"

This is a first. I've never heard words, just the sound of people talking. I don't know what to make of it. The weird part is how they were talking about me as if I wasn't there.

Is that common????
fuckyeahseb: an icon with the letters FYS in mint green against a chocolate brown background with a yellow diamond below the letters and then a think stripe of mint green at the bottom (Default)
posted by [personal profile] fuckyeahseb at 04:56pm on 16/07/2017 under ,
I guess we're going back to watching Doctor Who.

Fuck. That means we've got to get caught up!
rootsofthestories: "If you are reading this, then you are awesome." (personal: awesome)
July 15th, 2017
staranise: A star anise floating in a cup of mint tea (Default)
posted by [personal profile] staranise at 10:03pm on 15/07/2017
Tonight I watched All the President's Men with my mom, since I keep seeing references to the Watergate scandal these days and I wanted to get a better understanding of it--so many sources assume such an intimate knowledge of it that I find them hard to untangle, so seeing it in movie format made it easier to understand. I came away with two big thoughts:

1. The quote I've always heard about Watergate is, "It's not the crime, it's the coverup." Which makes sense in the specific sense of the Washington Post's investigation of Nixon--they kept uncovering facts that in themselves were completely inconsequential; what led them on was the fact that shortly after, the person who disclosed that fact would issue a terrified denial that the fact was untrue, they had never said the fact was true, they'd never heard of anyone connected to the fact, and they'd never issued a previous statement about the fact at all.

Whereas the truth I'd never quite realized is that Nixon's crimes were in fact far worse than what he did to cover them up. I grew up hearing vague explanations like "Nixon paid someone to keep quiet" or "Nixon recorded conversations" as to what the wrongdoing was--not the final, absolute fact, which was that Nixon put the government to work destroying his political opponents, and only got caught at a bare tenth of it. And I can't tell if that's because the grandparents who set the political tone of my childhood were very politically conservative, or... what. But a lot of hippie conspiracy theories seem a lot less crazy to me now.

2. Oh my god, seeing all those board rooms full of very important white men making all the decisions, seeing women continually relegated to the sidelines, only getting tiny hints of people of colour, is bizarre. That's... that's what the world used to look like. "Mona, take my calls," a reporter barks out as he dashes out to chase a lead. Is that actually Mona's job? Is Mona also a reporter, who has to chase her own leads down while being ignored and asked for coffee, Peggy-Carter-like? My god, there are still people who remember that world, who think they live there.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I've taken my meds and should be asleep. But for the reasons they do, the words have grabbed me by the hair and drug my ass to computer to write. I'm not quite sure what they need me to say. All I've got is three words.

Reclaim. Your. Power. Incorporate what you've been through in the last year into your power, because you didn't lose it, you just gained it through a particularly painful way.

Every entry where I screamed, every entry where I poured out the fear and the babble, that's power. It's not easy to show the entire world just how messy you are. Every time I cut myself, that's power. It's a hell of a thing to be determined to knife yourself repeatedly, a thing that most people couldn't dream of doing for the sheer pain they'd feel. Every time I tried to kill myself, that's power, because it takes immense force of will to barrel over the human need for self-preservation.

Every time I admitted every psychiatric ward stay, that's power. That's accountability for something that shame would bury. Every hospital stay that I allowed endless needles to be shoved into me, every time I made the right decision about food despite kicking and screaming about it, every time I made the wrong move about what medications to stay on, that's power.

That's acting like a human being with a vicious sense of self-will, run-riot or else wrestled down issues that John Cena couldn't suplex. That's power.

And it's not the only power I've gained over my life. It's not as if this is the first time Life curbstombed me. This is not my first rodeo. I was powerful before, survived, reached out and got help for it every damn time, and came to discover a me that I knew and loved.

That's fucking power. I've gained power through every slash of the skin since the first transgression against me as a child and more power through every wound that healed to scar like glue.

I haven't lost myself. I just lost some of the things I can do. That's not the same as losing who I am. And all of it - the Crazy, the pretty writing, the Lupus, the love from my support circle - it's been loud and it's been powerful.

"Oh no, no, am I getting too loud?
Am I getting too loud? Am I getting too loud?!"


This last year has been LOUD. Sheer volume doesn't always make for graceful pile-driving down your issues. But it sure as hell makes it more powerful - and for the first time in over a year, I see the power. I see MY power.

"You can't ignore the truth inside you!!"

The truth inside of me is that I have power. Have had it, have it, and trial by fire, gaining more of it.

I know I'm not the only one whose had a year that's blasted out their eardrums. Let's take the volume and feel it hit our pulses. Let's take that loudness and rip our damn well earned power from it.
rmc28: Rachel smiling against background of trees, with newly-cut short hair (Default)
posted by [personal profile] rmc28 at 09:45pm on 15/07/2017
I lost my house keys this evening, almost certainly while trying to help catch a loose dog in the local park. The dog is unharmed and reunited with his owners, who live nearby, but there was some terrifying running into a busy road first, and a bunch of talking to people after (including a long-overdue catchup with my neighbour).

Between that and my subsequent pacing around the park failing to find my keys, I am 50% over my target step count and extremely grumpy with tiredness.
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I think I've figured out a way to help combat both boredom and dramatic, self-destructive actions. It works for 2 year olds and it seems to work for this 36 year old, too. PLAY DRESS UP! So now the idea is to learn all kinds of neat vanity tricks and show the world. I got it down for my nails. Now let's try other things.

And Girlyswirl, I can definitely get some kind of playlist, though a lot of can hit melancholy spots. Or it's whimsical about the Crazy. Is that okay? It is so good to have another soldier standing with me on these front lines. Thank you for being here.

So, to get through a really strange place in my head this morning, despite my actual hair ALREADY being purple, I played a bit of dress up.

Remember last year how I lost over half my hair and I was sure I'd be bald by September? That thankfully didn't happen, but I was prepared and bought a few wigs. WARNING: TOTAL NEWB AT THIS. Going to be watching tons of Youtube videos on how to make it all look more naturally placed. Anyone have any tips or videos to share on how to make wig placement look more natural?

(Oh, and product placement: WET N WILD'S glitter makeup IS ACTUALLY GLITTERY AND STAYS ON. It's not just a top coat of glitter in the case, but glitter the whole way through. MUCH LOVE, WET'N'WILD)

Fun with wigs! )
rootsofthestories: Cats and pumpkins (Misc: black cats and pumpkins)
July 14th, 2017
fuckyeahseb: an icon with the letters FYS in mint green against a chocolate brown background with a yellow diamond below the letters and then a think stripe of mint green at the bottom (Default)
Today I'm going to be sharing my most read fanfic authors with you. These are the authors that I consistently read new material from and whose stories I reread the most.

notbecauseofvictories
links: [AO3 profile] [tumblr]

I discovered notbecauseofvictories via Star Wars - specifically by stumbling across a reblogged post from her poverty-line midwest AU [tumblr tag link]. Her Star Wars stories are my favorite and the easiest for me to fall in love with because of my long love affair with Star Wars itself but I've also enjoyed her story wild peaches [AO3 link], featuring Sarah after her encounter with the Goblin King in the Labyrinth, and Short Street to Kicklebury [AO3 link], a short and sweet story of the Understanding and marriage of Sybil Ramkin and Samantha "Sam" Vimes.

ink-splotch / dirgewithoutmusic
links: [AO3 profile] [tumblr]

Ink-splotch came onto my radar via their original writing as E. Jade Lomax and their series Leagues and Legends [author website link], the story of Jack Farris and his friends and what it means to be a hero in a world where heroes aren't necessarily commonplace but are definitely well known. It actually took me a while to get around to reading about Jack but, in the meantime, I did read many of ink-splotch's Harry Potter stories! My favorite is the series we must unite inside her walls or we'll crumble from within [AO3 link], which features stories of the ladies of Hogwarts - Cho Chang, Hannah Abbott, Parvati Patil, Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, Andromeda Tonks, Susan Bones, and Luna Lovegood.

lalaietha
links: [AO3 profile]

Lalaietha is one of my favorite MCU authors; I love the way they write each character's perspective - Clint, in particular. Their writing has a beautiful flow to it and it's so easy to get lost in and I'm always excited to click the link for the next chapter. It's wonderful. My favorite series to link to people is Ten Thousand Things [AO3 link], which is all of Lalaietha's A:TLA stories. The depiction of Katara, Zuko, and Mai's relationship is superb.

scifigrl47
links: [AO3 profile] [tumblr]

There's nothing for the itch of found families quite like Scifigrl's MCU stories. Bringing us the wackiness of the Toasterverse [AO3 link] and the lovable hijinks of DJ Stark in Tales of the Bots [AO3 link], Scifigrl will have you smiling and crying before the story is over. What I love best about her writing is the characterization of everyone in the story and how their interactions feel natural.

copperbadge
links: [AO3 profile] [tumblr]

Copperbadge has a knack for steamy romance in loving, respectful relationships and some of the best characterization I've ever seen - no matter what AU you drop him into his Tony will always be Tony. His White Collar stories [AO3 link] are particularly good for steamy romance and The Foodieverse [AO3 link], in conjunction with Scifigrl47, is fun and interesting even if you're not a foodie. Copperbadge has so many AUs going on and is so prolific as a writer and I have no idea how he manages it but it's beautiful and I don't care.

That's a wrap for the list and thank you for your time! If you find a story by anyone on this list let me know so I can squee with you! And if you have any recommendations for me feel free to share. Looking forward to hearing from you. ^-^
fuckyeahseb: an icon with the letters FYS in mint green against a chocolate brown background with a yellow diamond below the letters and then a think stripe of mint green at the bottom (Default)
Spouse!C linked me to this; Jotun, "a hand-drawn action-exploration game set in Norse mythology," is free to download this weekend (and keep forever) from both Steam and GOG as part of a celebration and promotion for Thunder Lotus' new game Sundered, launching July 28th, 2017.

[a link to Jotun: Valhalla Edition's page on the Steam store website]

[a link to Jotun: Valhalla Edition's page on the GOG store website]

I haven't played the game before and I'm downloading it myself for the first time today; I've been lured in by the pretty art and the female protagonist and I think it's worth taking a shot in spite of the mixed reviews. It's free after all. What's the harm?
fuckyeahseb: an icon with the letters FYS in mint green against a chocolate brown background with a yellow diamond below the letters and then a think stripe of mint green at the bottom (Default)
(When you totally space that it's Friday... did the trash get taken out!?)

I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to have themed days where I could work on something specific that would further whatever goals I have. This started off with me putting "Fanart Fridays" on my Habitica as a weekly task because I'm trying to encourage myself to draw more often. If I want to be an artist, someone who can draw, I have to draw, right?

And I realized that this approach wouldn't work for me because I was making it too specific in regards to fandom - would I post fics on Thursday then? Recc list Mondays? I'm not a content generating machine! Ideas, yeah, sure... but actual content? Hahah, omg, no.

So I switched it up to Fanwork Friday and now I can post anything fandom related on one dedicated day a week! (Look, it makes sense in my brain, okay?)

Today is the official start of Fanwork Fridays and I'm going to start off easy with a simple recc list in my next post.
rootsofthestories: (fannish: cecil)
rmc28: Rachel smiling against background of trees, with newly-cut short hair (Default)
First of all, I accidentally bought the wrong shiny new phone outright, but that's ok, I'm being sent a returns envelope and I'm being refunded, and that's a lesson to double-check the version number before hitting buy.

Then I bought the right shiny new phone on contract from my current mobile SIM provider. I had it delivered to a local store, because it was that or my house, and slogged into town yesterday to collect it.  I was under the impression that the local store staff could sort out moving my number - this isn't a PAC situation because it's same-company to same-company.  But no! They were powerless! If I had come into the store to buy the thing in the first place they could have helped me, but because I bought in online I had to ring up the helpline to sort out my number.

So I did that this morning. But apparently because I have Not Done Things The Expected Way, the only way the person on the phone could resolve things is to have the phone company ship me another phone, and separately ship me a prepaid envelope to send back the other one -the one I have already spent ages setting up, naturally.  The idea that they could just update the records on the database on which they can see the details of both my contracts is just not possible, and there was a definite flavour of them graciously helping me out of my own mistake because it was clearly stated on the website that I had to go into a store to upgrade. 

(I checked this morning, and the relevant page does say "you can upgrade by going into a [brand] store" - in a page that has a bunch of other stuff on it, and in definitely smaller print than the big banners saying "get special deal on our shiny new phones".  Were it me, I'd change it to say "to upgrade, you must go into a store".)

I mean, I think I'm not going to be out any money due to my Not Doing It Properly, just some tedious admin.  But it's annoying and I'm frustrated both by the weddedness to Going Into A Shop, and by the idea it's somehow better to ship two phones back and forth than to update a database.

The phone is very shiny and lovely though, and I'm sure its twin will be just as good.

July 13th, 2017
quirkytizzy: (Default)
I curse like a sailor, but there are few words I consider curses. One of them, one of the biggest ones, starts with "G".

Goals. Goals, as far as I am concerned, are nothing but vile cursewords, designed to shock with revulsion and vulgarity. Or at least that's how I feel about the word. Goals are something people with safe lives set. Goals are something people with sane lives set. Goals are something people with stability set.

Goals are not set by people who wound up getting expelled from three high schools because they were a fucked up, abused youth. Goals are not set by people who have lived such life-long poverty that they make it a point to take handfuls of napkins from any restaurant they visit, awaiting the inevitable day they don't have a dollar to buy a cheap set of toilet paper. Goals are not something ex-junkies who still miss their drugs, 20 years later, make.

Goals are not set by people who randomly tell their husbands of 10 years that they want a divorce and then plunge themselves into a 5 year partnership with someone who misspends 14 thousand dollars of rent money. Goals are not set by people who get job after job after job, losing them because they just "weren't a good fit". Goals are not set by those who lose their dream job that they were actually making headway at because their kidneys decided to play Russian Roulette.

(And there's only two chambers in that version of the game.)

Goals are not for people who cut themselves because they're bored, or who always seems to land in the psych ward on the day they've made active plans to hang out with friends. Goals are not for people whose immune system has made a game of Devil's Chess a fond pastime.

Goals are not for people for whom, either having done it themselves or who just have an adversarial relationship with Fate, make. We just don't do it. It's pointless. Why put all that effort, time, work, and HOPE into something that Life's just gonna yank out from under you anyways?

I loathe goals. I do not believe in them. I do not "do" goals.

And because Fate has decided it knows better than me (and hey, it probably does sometimes), my case manager have been setting goals for the last two weeks. Small goals. Infinitesimal goals. Toddler steps.

Goals such as (set today) I will call and make an appointment for food stamps tomorrow. I'm far less likely to blow off an official appointment than if I just wait till I feel like going. Goals such as coming up with three places I might consider volunteering at and bringing her the information when we meet next.

Goals that make me feel like a 12 year old, instead of the 36 year old who SHOULD be raking in her 401K by now. Goals that make me feel like I'm starting out on the bottom rung again. Goals that I'm terrified I won't be able to keep because I'm just so fucking bad at them, no matter how simple they may seem.

Goals require reliability. I am not reliable right now. And I know that THAT is what make the goals so important right now, because one gains reliability THROUGH ACCOMPLISHING GOALS. Beyond abolishing boredom (a huge problem right now), giving a person a sense of identity (also a huge problem right now), accomplishing goals is a life-raft someone can hold onto when the waves get too rough. "Can't go off the rails now, I have (INSERT X GOAL) to report on next week."

And it's so goddamn cliche, but really, I am that typical "afraid to set goals because I'm afraid I'll fail" person. There's fear - real fear - here about the idea of goals. About the stupidly small goals I set today.

What if I can't hold it together long enough to get to her next week with anything? What if I wind up doing something and bleeding and spend the next week in yet another psych ward stay? What if I get the appointment for food stamps set and get sick and can't go? What if I don't fit the volunteer requirements for the places I want to volunteer at?

Worst of all, what if I just don't want to do it because it's fucking work?

What if I have to face not only my fear, but my laziness as well?

What if?

What if?

What if I have to let go of a lifetime of not believing in something (goals) and have to build a whole new structure around the concept, which is a FUUUUUCKTON of work?

What if?

What if?

What if I can't do it?

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