thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
I am trying to do a very small thing with how I talk to myself when I make mistakes, or am low. I have been in the habit, for a while, of shouting at myself "stupid boy", either in my head or aloud when I do that. I am trying to change that to "now young man", and less loudly, because the connotations are... just a bit better, and because it goes with "neanias" in my head, and because I am trying to be better at thinking of myself as an adult (and because it is what a friend tends to greet me with when my phone has died for a bit because of Adventures of the "I meant to get home and then didn't" kind)
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 05:30pm on 27/10/2009 under , , ,
Right, my body and head need to stop doing downright weird things at some point before Saturday, so that I can plan NaNo. Going to do the novel I've had planned for a while, but am not quite sure of- the story of Hautdesert and it's organisational structure referencing Graves' and Frazer's theories of sacred kings/mortal gods and focusing on the Lady of Hautdesert and what exactly she is, and incorporating the sense of Hautdesert and the land around it as a non holy place, possibly related to the Waste Land but not. (You could do brilliant things with the Lord of Hautdesert as reverse fisher king). This has been in my head a good three/four years now, and the fact that it will need a lot of work will be painful, but actually getting something out might be good. It's no worse an idea than some Garner/DWJ although it will probably be more towards Spellcoats and late/adult Garner than say, more traditional DWJ/early Garner (actually given that DWJ does things with amazing unreliable POV and narrators in work aimed very, very much at children/early teens that might be unfair)

Mental and physical health stuff that is happening is not great. Saw amazing helpful nurse today who decided that it was mental health stuff combined with post viral fatigue and possible meds stuff, and that the thing I could do was to keep medical professionals informed. Which given I have had hypomania that's been bad enough to stop all the most basic interactions combined with batshit crazy stuff happening to my senses, is encouraging.. (because it wasn't being told that it was all because I was hyperventilating).

Can feel the hypomania starting again but it's in the good stage now, so I may use it to get stuff done and enjoy things, with the knowledge that I can cope when it gets bad.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)

I have depression.

 

I know that’s unclear. I know I can state in various ways to make you think that perhaps it is more than just getting upset, or giving up on things. I have a depressive disorder. I’ve been hospitalised with depression three times. I take anti depressants, and anti psychotics. Excusing myself from certain things because I have issues. I have attempted suicide more than once..

 

I can tell you, or if you know me you might see, how it affects my life. If you are unlucky enough to be close to me during a bad period, you will see me be both debilitated and frightened and in some ways frightening, and unable to cope with the world. In other environments you will see me cry over things that are completely unimportant, or get irrationally upset, or excuse myself and go quiet. You might hear me talk about self harm, or anxiety attacks, or suicidal thoughts. I’ll probably tone it down, or talk about other things, or even mention it in a conversational manner, because I do want to do other things, and think about other things, and in the hope if I mention it.

 

So you’ve gathered now that I have issues?

 

If I make every effort to talk about my issues, my disability, openly and sensibly, is it my problem that you don’t understand it, or that it’s frightening to watch, or just confuses you? Yes and no. It will almost certainly effect me adversely, that you don’t understand, but it is a problem I have, not a problem with me. The problem is you not understanding, or not even trying to understand. I accept that you don’t get it. That’s fine. But get that you don’t get it, and that that is a problem with you.

 

I would also make it quite clear that I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about my disability and my problems, and how to fix them, and what fixing them means. I also know what they are, what a warning sign is, and what I feel like when depressed. Every way I can feel when depressed. And they are not the ways you feel. They are not the ways you feel whether you are someone who has stubbed their toe at the end of a bad day, someone who’s about to start a course of a talking therapy for anxiety issues or moderate depression, or someone who’s been on exactly the same meds as me for the same amount of time. Our thoughts and feelings are unique, the distorted things that can happen to them are also unique. So I won’t tell you I know what you feel, and what you should do.

 

But I have issues and I tell you about them or their visible. That does not make it okay to use them against me. There are ways, if I am being upset or irrational, of calming me down or giving me space. And half the time I know it’s irrational, anyway, and I don’t want to be feeling or thinking it. Being told I’m weak, or odd, or making things difficult for you, making things about the issues which are nothing to do with you on to get attention, or because I haven’t worked on them, or if I worked a bit harder I would be fine, does not help. Furthermore using the fact that I have issues to win an argument, or get out of a conversation, or dismiss me, when done in an obvious and confrontational way, and done assuming that I haven’t thought about it- it makes you a bigot and a coward. And you do assume I haven’t thought about it. I am willing to think about it more, but I would also like you to think about your issues, your presumptions and not just assume I’m irrational, or able to be dismissed. You can dismiss me, and my actions and reactions and feelings, but that doesn’t mean you should. And it doesn’t mean that it’s okay for other people to excuse behaviour or actions, because my problems are scary, or difficult to watch or understand, when I’m trying my best not to do that myself and I am the person who is going through them
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)

Sitting here drinking tea in incredible pain, reading Hadley Freeman articles and feminist blogs and lamenting my lack of loudness, following Mirena fitting this morning. Everything else below a cut.

Doctor!win. contraception and boyfriend!win )

Also, give me your feminist, right on singer songwriters. I have realised I am a terrible cliche.

thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
I had my last proper meeting with C. last week. C. is my care co-ordinator/occupational therapist/social worker type person with the Early Intervention Service in my area, which means she sees me anything from fortnightly to several times a week and checks up on my mental health, general wellbeing and similar, and helps me with certain practical things to do with it.*

I complain a lot about NHS mental health services, both on the internet and in person, but Early Intervention Services are good in many ways. I have some problems with the theory behind them (if you treat people intensively for three years after their first incident of mental illness, especially psychosis, they are far less likely to have ongoing mental health issues. My problem is basically personal and a fear of needing mental health services again in later life). But they have many good sides. For a start, you see the same person/people regularly, sometimes several times a week, less if you're doing better. The meetings are informal, for the past 19 months my meetings with C. have most regularly been had over a cup of coffee in a local cafe. If you have not had a medical problem that requires you to go to a centre/hospital or similar regularly, you may not know the difference this makes. Not having to pay a bus fair, for one thing, but also being able to talk about my worries and concerns and wellbeing in an environment where I feel safe, and which isn't tainted with memories of all the things that have gone wrong.

And seeing the same person/people? Really important. Some of my most depressing experiences with the NHS have been due to constant changes in terms the people dealing with my case, and the fact that you may see someone with only a handful of notes and no knowledge of important aspects of your condition or even personality/interests/life at the time. Seeing one or two people over a period of time and getting to know and trust them with your concerns makes a difference.

And even that isn't enough if it isn't the right person. But C. is the right person. She has helped me fill in innumerable forms, listened to the most irrational worries, been there through one major and one minor breakdown, come to see me in hospital, calmed my parents down from a blind panic, talked to my boyfriend's parents about  my issues, overseen me moving out, starting work and doing numerous other things. She has  always listened, and always managed to be encouraging about the right things while not being patronising. She's what the NHS should be.

If any of you have the misfortune, either for the first or a subsequent time, to suffer from mental health difficulties, I hope you have an equivalent to the Early Intervention Service. And, especially, I hope you have someone like C.


* as mentioned before in this blog I suffer from a c ombination of mental health conditions which require medication and have in the past required hospitalisation.
Mood:: content

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