thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 08:22pm on 09/02/2009 under , , ,

I want to post lots of things. but think venting at the internet might not be the right response.

I just found the lyrics to "Last Limit of Bhakti" by the Mountain Goats and... my sexy narrators playlist will be posted another time. At the moment I am disturbed at my own brain. It is wrong.

Meanwhile in place of venting at the internet, have Cranberries lyrics. (Look, I have two days in which it's legitimate to post this). I may have been playing this song very loud for a bit today.



It's not worth anything more than this at all,
I'll live as I choose or I will not live at all,
So return to where you come from,
Return to where you dwell,
Because harassment's not my forte,
But you do it very well

I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide
And I'm not so suicidal after all,
I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide
And I'm not so suicidal after all,
At all, at all, at all

You must have nothing more with your time to do,
There's a war in Russia and Sarajevo too,
So to hell with what you're thinking,
And to hell with your narrow mind,
You're so distracted from the real thing,
You should leave your life behind
I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide
And I'm not so suicidal after all,
I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide
And I'm not so suicidal after all,
At all, at all, at all




Music:: Attention all Pickpockets.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)

For those of you who are interested, I am feeling better today. Mostly because I have been ignoring the cover letter issue and immersing myself in space opera and knitting, and also filling envelopes (I had a very dull job today which was to fill envelopes and answer the phone and when done with that to wait for the phone to ring and knit and read space opera. I was paid for it).

So I'm a bit of a sucker for things that are epic and sprawling, in any form. Love Gormenghast, have been assured I will thoroughly enjoy Dune, my favourite novel is about the French Revolution and events happening on a massive scale, "A Canticle For Leibowitz" is up there among my favourite novels (1500 years of post nuclear holocaust history in which the Catholic church becomes a major power again). I spent bank holidays of my childhood watching fifties and sixties technicolour epics and still respond to those with the irrational part of my brain. And what little space opera I've read I really really like.

I'm reading Hyperion, by Dan Simmons. I'm about halfway through and will not succeed in saving the rest for the bus journey on Monday. I can't really afford to buy the next three books, and I'm not sure that they are in libraries. It is with this in mind that I would like to launch:

the campaign for keeping Inigo going through this summer with the Hyperion quartet, and stopping her rereading Ilium, Olympus and Hyperion about fifty times.
OR
More epic space opera, please.
Mostly this should take the form of donations of second hand books, if anyone has them. Or if anyone feels ridiculously generous and is actually pecunious, donations of new books (I'm not asking for donations of new books, that would be greedy). Saving for Edinburgh may go badly if I can't find these books in some way involving little money being spent.

Mood:: Epic
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 09:30pm on 20/06/2008 under , ,

I'm trying to write a covering letter for a job as a PA in theatre. And in between saying that I love theatre (and if that's the case why haven't I seen any for ages) and new writing, and my skills and all that jazz I am trying to overcome the patchiness of my CV, without explaining the illness too much. I've basically spent the last fifteen months doing nothing of use. And it's no use saying I couldn't say I was going to get ill, because if I'd thought more about things last summer I could probably have told that I wasn't doing that well and wasn't going to cope with *anything*. Because I can't fucking cope with anything, at least that's the impression I get from my parents and therapist and social worker, all of whom are terrified of me over committing, and over stressing myself, because apparently I can't cope with stress. And the point where I could, the point where I was an high achiever, lasted about a year and immediately preceded the major craziness. And I want to do stuff. I really want to do stuff. I want to get a degree, I want to get a job that lasts more than three days. People ask me what I'm doing at the moment and I just fluff it. It's depressing.

location: Living room
Music:: my mum watching the football
Mood:: tearful
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 06:34pm on 16/10/2007 under , , ,

well, I survived the weekend, which was actually very nice, even if I forgot my meds so spent most of it in a fairly zombieish/mute state, and did get quite a lot of glitter on me as an indirect result of very early debauchery involving a large amound of purple lush body glitter (and then as a result of debauchery in general). That's probably the most interesting part of the weekend since it involves nudity, debauchery and glitter, all of which are good. I drank a reasonable amount of gin and red wine and was introduced to a scary number of people. The people themselves weren't scary (well, some of them were) but the multitude daunted me.

Forgetting the meds was bad. Not so much when I was there, but when I got back the comedown off the weekend and not having taken any of my meds for two days caused lots of random tearfulness. Fortunately I've managed to pull myself together enough to write an essay (my first full essay of term) and I have another lurking. I'm seeing the psych team tomorrow so might be able to deal with the random mood swings/mild psychosis more after that. I wish I could stop dreaming.

That's all for now. Just to let you know I'm alive and vaguely human.

Mood:: exhausted
Music:: Chris Pureka- Burning Bridges
location: bedroom floor
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 06:01pm on 04/10/2007 under , ,
For some reason Modern american literature puts me in a good mood. Possibly because I like the teacher, possibly because it's one on one and therefore my thoughts are considered to be of merit, worthwhile and NOT those of a six year old, possibly because I just enjoy getting angry at fictional, spoilt, american ex pats. (They are SO irritating. Seriously, when you identify more with the characters in Brideshead than you do in with another novel there's something wrong. Although I have a *slight* thing about Brideshead, as you may have noticed). 
But regarding other things at college, they're going a bit better. I might get more one on one lessons, which means fewer hours but going at a speed which is not ridiculously slow, so that's good. And if I can stop the social paranoia I might succeed in talking to people out of lessons, which would be a good thing. That seems unlikely at the moment but if I can manage to enjoy the lessons then a lot of pain goes out of my year. And I feel like myself.

I'm listening to Kirsty Maccoll's Innocence on repeat, because it helps with the happiness, and want to recommend it to everyone, just for the fantastic bitchiness of it. She's so horrible she's almost Ciceronian, apart from the fact that she's direct.
Mood:: awake
location: bedroom
Music:: Kirsty Maccoll- Innocence (Guilt mix)
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 05:59pm on 25/09/2007 under ,
...anything apart from write about Eleonore Duplay and read Byatt. This is a problem since I should be rereading Hamlet. And just generally working. The kettles or other things ate my brain over the summer.
Mood:: exhausted
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 02:13pm on 24/09/2007 under , , ,
Can anyone help me resolve a not a dispute so much as mutual wondering, and inform me of the best music to which one should listen while reading Terry Pratchett? Apparently the Smiths, because both they and Terry Pratchett make me happy, isn't valid unless its for me alone. So far we have Kings of Convenience, and that's about it. Oh, and AS Byatt combined with listening to Kate Bush is perfection personified. Ideally I want to find a match like that for Terry Pratchett. In other news, I am very much failing to work, since the siren lure of TVITG and Kate Bush are preventing me from doing so. But off to the library now.
Mood:: complacent
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
Weird Self justificationy post

Most of you will know I was forced because of circumstances to take six months out of education (actually five months and three weeks, but lets not be overly pedantic). So here is my list of what I haven't, and have done, during the enforced hiatus.

I haven't:

Travelled any further than Somerset, or found myself. If myself is hiding in India/Thailand/somewhere exotic I feel cheated. I do however feel more secure in myself than I did in March, not least because I have got back in touch with reality, which helps. I am going to Italy in a week's time, maybe myself will be there.

Read Proust, The Iliad, The Oddyssey or much great literature in the original. Wanted to do so, tried to do so a bit but was busy going mad/being exhausted at the time.

Improved my language work. Really should have done that, but haven't. See above reasons.

Worked for charity. Not least because there aren't that many starving villages in Chiswick, and because I was too scared to volunteer in charity shops.

So I haven't really done anything you're supposed to do during gaps, nor have I especially broadened my mind. I have, however:

Done an amazing internship at my theatre, which actually looks vaguely useful on a CV, and read lots of rubbish scripts while doing so.

Worked as a receptionist, the second dullest job in the world, which gives one a strange sense of power and a love/hate relationship with telephones and fax machines.

Finished the second draft of my play, the only intellectual thing I've done of late other than...

Start the comic, a project which should be really good.

And worked in a shop, the dullest job in the world which is extremely demeaning and has probably made an irrevocable impact on my view of people, especially people who use shops.

Oh, and I discovered that the meds do actually work and I need to keep taking them.

So not really sure whether to be pleased or unpleased with myself. Ah well. If you've read all this ramble you probably deserve a reward. I don't have one, other than being impressed with your boredom threshold.
location: laptop
Music:: Prince- If I was your girlfriend
Mood:: drained
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 02:44pm on 09/08/2007 under
To say I'm completely happy would be a lie, and to say I'm not remotely uncomfortable with the sea change which has happened of late would also be wrong, but the fact is I'm not bursting into tears the whole time, I'm not fixated with death and not being able to read or write that much isn't bothering me hugely- I know I probably will get the hang of it again and I'm enjoying not thinking excessively. I worry that my brain may be going a tad, but I am happier than I've been in an age.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 02:17pm on 12/07/2007 under ,
To those of you who were involved in the play reading the other night, it was awesome, and thank you. To everyone, I am now in a complete quandary. While the reading didn't fulfil my worst fears (i.e. the play is actually okay, and not impossibly long or dull) it did lead me in a completely different direction to the one in which I've gone with the second draft, which I've just handed into the Royal Court. Which means I have to go on to writing a third draft, and that this play shall be my eternal albatross. (At least until I get to writing the play which is actually about mental illness). Ah well...
Music:: 6 Music
location: Mt Helicon
Mood:: creative

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