thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 11:05pm on 01/01/2016 under , ,
I rang in the new year pleasantly, at a small dinner party I was hosting at which just enough of the invitees turned up to justify me buying slightly fancier wine and artichokes than usual.

2015 was not a disastrous year- compared to some years it was pretty okay. I didn't have any catastrophic bad things happen directly to me, and I completed the stuff I wanted to an adequate degree (see: am still at uni, recent grades have been decent, etc). Most of my energy went on my degree and a couple of other boring, pretending to be a functional human goals (work experience, increasing my ability to cook, etc). I had some bad mental health stuff, but it did not knock me for six (for once I did the sensible thing of taking advantage of all my disability accommodations and telling anyone I was working with that I needed them). My chronic pain stuff has got worse, which is unpleasant, and I felt tired a lot. As mentioned elsewhere, I am fairly sure I went outside EVERY DAY, if not I managed the vast majority of days, and that is an achievement.

In short, 2015 was a year in which I coped. Much like the David Sedaris remark about how no one really wants to be described as benign, while there is nothing wrong with coping and I'm glad to do so, I'd rather not have it as the highest accolade for the year in question, but it probably is. 2015 was also dominated by an abnormally high number of my close friends having *terrible* years and this really doesn't earn it points. (Obviously, I did not experience this directly but it really affected my experience of the year overall, and if 2016 could leave my friends alone next year I would appreciate it.)

I had a break up about which I'm still a bit sad- the relationship was imperfect but pleasant, and I am annoyed by how much of the year I spent single. My new year's resolutions this year were a writing related one which I didn't fully manage but did partially manage, and 'no grand pyrotechnic fallings out' with close friends, which again, was only a partial success. (Does being friend-dumped count if you try and mostly handle it amicably?)

I think this sounds bitterer than I intended, and that is probably affected by two things: the fact that I'm in quite a bad pain flare after a (lovely) walk today, and the fact that I just watched whatever on earth the latest Sherlock episode was. I am actually fairly optimistic- I'm in my flat, with my Christmas tree, and I am going to eat some Viennetta in a minute before bed.

I hope this year is kind to you, and I hope that you know how much I enjoy this place. (Dreamwidth is meant here, not my flat, although obviously I like the latter)
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)

I have depression.

 

I know that’s unclear. I know I can state in various ways to make you think that perhaps it is more than just getting upset, or giving up on things. I have a depressive disorder. I’ve been hospitalised with depression three times. I take anti depressants, and anti psychotics. Excusing myself from certain things because I have issues. I have attempted suicide more than once..

 

I can tell you, or if you know me you might see, how it affects my life. If you are unlucky enough to be close to me during a bad period, you will see me be both debilitated and frightened and in some ways frightening, and unable to cope with the world. In other environments you will see me cry over things that are completely unimportant, or get irrationally upset, or excuse myself and go quiet. You might hear me talk about self harm, or anxiety attacks, or suicidal thoughts. I’ll probably tone it down, or talk about other things, or even mention it in a conversational manner, because I do want to do other things, and think about other things, and in the hope if I mention it.

 

So you’ve gathered now that I have issues?

 

If I make every effort to talk about my issues, my disability, openly and sensibly, is it my problem that you don’t understand it, or that it’s frightening to watch, or just confuses you? Yes and no. It will almost certainly effect me adversely, that you don’t understand, but it is a problem I have, not a problem with me. The problem is you not understanding, or not even trying to understand. I accept that you don’t get it. That’s fine. But get that you don’t get it, and that that is a problem with you.

 

I would also make it quite clear that I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about my disability and my problems, and how to fix them, and what fixing them means. I also know what they are, what a warning sign is, and what I feel like when depressed. Every way I can feel when depressed. And they are not the ways you feel. They are not the ways you feel whether you are someone who has stubbed their toe at the end of a bad day, someone who’s about to start a course of a talking therapy for anxiety issues or moderate depression, or someone who’s been on exactly the same meds as me for the same amount of time. Our thoughts and feelings are unique, the distorted things that can happen to them are also unique. So I won’t tell you I know what you feel, and what you should do.

 

But I have issues and I tell you about them or their visible. That does not make it okay to use them against me. There are ways, if I am being upset or irrational, of calming me down or giving me space. And half the time I know it’s irrational, anyway, and I don’t want to be feeling or thinking it. Being told I’m weak, or odd, or making things difficult for you, making things about the issues which are nothing to do with you on to get attention, or because I haven’t worked on them, or if I worked a bit harder I would be fine, does not help. Furthermore using the fact that I have issues to win an argument, or get out of a conversation, or dismiss me, when done in an obvious and confrontational way, and done assuming that I haven’t thought about it- it makes you a bigot and a coward. And you do assume I haven’t thought about it. I am willing to think about it more, but I would also like you to think about your issues, your presumptions and not just assume I’m irrational, or able to be dismissed. You can dismiss me, and my actions and reactions and feelings, but that doesn’t mean you should. And it doesn’t mean that it’s okay for other people to excuse behaviour or actions, because my problems are scary, or difficult to watch or understand, when I’m trying my best not to do that myself and I am the person who is going through them
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 02:27pm on 08/06/2009 under , ,

Maelstrom was very much mixed. There was awesome people, there were awesome character things but there was much weirdness.

Med fail didn't affect me so much, because I did manage to get one of the anti depressants I take off t[livejournal.com profile] thesofaofdeath (Thank you so much) which was good, and meant I didn't have scary citalopram withdrawal nightmares (so bloody vivid) after the first night. But it did cause worry.

Weather fail, affected both myself and James a lot (everything getting soaked on friday night, mild hypothermia leading to both of us having to time out a fair bit and look after the other, and also to wearing all of my fairly androgynous clothes. It's a good thing we play an eccentric explorer and his slave. (Having returned I did not enjoy the conversation I had with my father which was lacking in sympathy and just being told that I hadn't prepared properly and my mother would have prepared better, as would "anyone going to a rock festival". True, but annoying and I just wanted to be told something along the lines of "It is understandable that you lost your phone as you were barely able to move and your bag got torn because of the wet")

I am very much grateful to [profile] ima_itrew and her awesome supplies of blankets and food and tea and hot vodka. And overall the weekend was really good, and I am less annoyed than I was yesterday at the limited amounts of playing I managed, because the bits I did manage were awesome (apart from the problem of playing a quiet character, which is getting forgotten about and left behind). And it was so awesome to see people.

Now to sort out downtime.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 11:44am on 27/04/2009 under ,

I will update properly about life soon, but for the moment I am going to write letters and possibly edit and then type up a story.
Can I mention that [livejournal.com profile] secondterminal is brilliant? (Not in terms of livejournal, although her comments are very good, but in terms of everything).

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