And what was she, the fairy Melusine?

PhDone (I hope

2026-04-01T19:36:38Z

I handed in my PhD corrections today. So hopefully have completed Being Educated. Which is a bit of a relief.

(I then later realised I had missed that there is an actual moon launch this evening as I had been worrying about footnotes and PDFs)

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Shameless Self Promotion: Tarot and Oracle website now live

2025-09-18T14:51:27Z

Years ago I used to do Tarot and Oracle on here (and on my now defunct LJ). I still do quite a bit of Tarot and Oracle stuff, although I tended to not have a web presence with it because I compartmentalise a lot and I also get really self conscious about it. A couple of years ago, when first trying to start the PhD I set up a Tarot and Oracle card instagram and back at the end of August I decided that maybe I should start updating it. Have been managing to do that daily since, with a couple of exceptions when I was dealing with severe overwhelm. Or sometimes dealing with tech issues.

Anyway, I now also have a website Medraut Mordion | Tarot. (Thank you very much to my partner for building that). I also have a ko-fi store where you can purchase readings. Either by Zoom or by email: Support Medraut Mordion

It is sort of in the spirit of having a go at everything which is conceivably a marketable skill of mine or source of income. I am a good reader and a thoughtful one, and I do put work into readings when I do them. If they seem like something you would like, why not book. (If they do not seem like something you would like, but do seem like something your friends might like, point your friends towards it, please).

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thefairymelusine @ 2025-09-08T16:10:00

2025-09-08T15:15:53Z

I watched the A Late Delivery From Avalon episode of Babylon 5 the other night, and I thought of you quirkytizzy because I remembered you quoting Marcus's speech about taking comfort in the unfairness of the universe years ago. (I prob last saw the episode as an actual child because my parents were very into Babylon 5 and it tended to be on British telly at the same time that I was eating supper, thus I watched a lot of Babylon 5 when very small. Am realising on this rewatch that the reason I found it terrifying as a small child was because it is, in fact, quite a genuinely scary show. It is not safe in the way Star Trek or Farscape is. But this is also why it is really brilliant.

Anyway, don't know if you'll see this Tizzy and I know you don't blog much these days, but it made me think of you.

(Also, what an episode! Really incredibly moving and just very kind about trauma. Also, the bits of the Arthurian legend that "Arthur" had imprinted on in it were some specific passages in Thomas Malory that I wrote about during my Masters coursework. So that made me very happy.)

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Off to an ordination

2025-06-28T08:41:34Z

Am on a stupidly early train on the way to my best friend from uni's ordination to the diaconate of the Church of England. It's at St Paul's Cathedral which will be interesting. Not because I'm unfamiliar with it: when I was at secondary school we had an incredibly tedious founders day that happened at it, which involved having to wear smart casual dress and combine with the boys' school and their feeder school. Because capacity was limited you didn't have to go every year, only in set years (unless you were singing or playing an instrument but I wasn't musical in a "play big school events" sort of way and I wasn't in the choir because I was forced to do my homework in the library on a day that clashed with it. Quite vivid memories of the times I went, though. The first year my mum got me an ankle length skirt from Gap which was made of some kind of indestructible tough material and a blue blouse with a poncho. It was an incredibly Y2K outfit and did look quite good, the only problem being it was basically impossible to walk in that skirt. It did, however, mean I was not awkwardly wearing a business suit of my mum's which was what most other people did that first year, all looking somewhat ridiculous because they were, you know, 11.

Anyway, yesterday I started really freaking out about what to wear to this and how to do my hair, which at first I attributed to it being a big event which required an outfit, something of which my life is somewhat short these days. Plus I've been growing my hair a bit: after a decade of an undercut it started causing sensory issues when it was slightly grown out and as I am (once again) shorter on cash than I would like I couldn't just go for more regular haircuts. So at the moment I have chin length hair which I can tie back if it is bothering me, and I am probably going to grow it a bit longer and see how I feel about that. All this means that I am currently having to remember how to style long hair, and work out how to style long hair in a masculine way when I want to do that. (Sometimes I am enjoying the playing with androgyny aspect of the current length).

Anyway, initially thought the freakout was that combined with not having seen uni friend since 2019 or very early 2020. Then, as I was trying to find hair mousse for the first time since, idk, 2008 or 2009, it occurred to me that one of the issues might be that this was an echo of a thing at school. And a thing which used to be particularly stressful because it involved large amounts of formless time traveling to and from the Cathedral and waiting around with classmates, so you didn't have the safety of lessons.

None of this made me worry less about my outfit, but it was an interesting thing to realise

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thefairymelusine @ 2025-06-06T17:01:00

2025-06-06T23:51:35Z

Right now, I really hate autism. Which is prob unfair of me and is not like a permanent state of being (I quite like aspects of me which are undoubtedly to do with being autistic, I have never not been autistic and I dislike change so lets assume I would dislike it). But I am so tired and I have to work so hard to be perceived as remotely normal and I did not get the circumstances where I could be just... mildly odd or someone who gets accommodations made for them easily. And my childhood was just... incredibly shitty for a lot of this stuff and some of it was within no-one's control whatsoever but I don't think I realised until well into adulthood that other people had grown up with baselines of security that were often missing for me. I'm into the final weeks of my PhD, I'm mid cancer scare and it honestly hurts at this point that I have so many coping mechanisms and am so good at seeming sort of okay that people will hear/see me say "everything is shit, these things are happening" and then they will just... assume I am basically fine.

I know the suggestion with this is often "ask for what you need" and often I try to, but I just do not register with people very much. Which is odd, I am noticeable. I've used this analogy often enough recently in various conversations but it often feels like I can sort of be trying to muddle through something which is pretty horrific and trying to be clear but not too dramatic about it (because if I am dramatic I am read as hysterical) and then will get told by the person at whom I am trying not to be dramatic that their friend/acquaintance Y just stubbed her toe and that it is so important to mind her and its so hard for her because she has never stubbed a toe before and refuses to wear shoes or to look where she is going. And the thing I find impossible is that I try to be nice about Y because she probably can't help it in some way but also I sort of believe in free will enough that I think maybe she could and it is all so tiring.

The life expectancy of people with Barrett's oesophagus is estimated at 22 years. Not enough research is done into it, and honestly that is skewed by the fact that most people with it are older, and obviously it could be worse. But the first part of my life has been really difficult and I would quite like a lot longer.

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thefairymelusine @ 2024-05-14T23:30:00

2024-05-14T13:31:46Z

Just got a diagnosis of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Fuck.

(Would like to punch the 23 year old physio whose verdict was "it's just a bit of an angry ankle)

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Diagnostic stuff

2024-03-13T13:49:23Z

I had the second part of my autism assessment last night (because it was 9am in London, so 8pm here). Apparently I am autistic and have ADHD. This makes quite a lot of sense, although I wasn't expecting the ADHD so much. Apparently nearly every medication I was on from the age of 18-25 blocked dopamine, and this was a really bad idea given the ADHD means I run kind of low on dopamine. This... explains a lot. It also makes me quite sad. (I cannot overstate how much NHS mental health care in the 2000s and 2010s often involved just being told off for failing to function as though it was a fundamental problem with your character).

As Larkin would say, good to get that learnt. Hoping knowing this will make it easier to get through the last stages of the PhD and hopefully not have any more giant runs of burnout.

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thefairymelusine @ 2023-12-03T03:16:00

2023-12-03T03:16:41Z

I had the first part of a two part autism assessment this morning- the diagnostic interview with a specialist pyschologist. The second part is in a few weeks. The assessing psychologist said she'd be really incredibly surprised if I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria for autism.

Have an both a sense of relief and also, quite a deep, odd sadness about how long it took to get here. And, you know, I don't necessarily recommend spending three hours of your Saturday discussing your childhood and how difficult you often find interacting with people.

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It has been A YEAR! Which has been a lot, and very expensive.

2023-09-02T01:51:30Z

So I am attempting crowdfunding for the first time in over a decade. Here is the gofundme link:

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/help-me-get-through-the-final-stages-of-my-phd?fss=1

Standard disclaimer of if you can barely make ends meet yourself, please do not donate. But if you can donate anything, it might help a lot.

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thefairymelusine @ 2023-08-15T14:36:00

2023-08-15T13:43:06Z

The UK's getting increasingly LGBT-phobic, in lots of ways. Particularly the transphobia but also just a general drift which is making me uncomfortable: things like the Telegraph (which is always awful) running a story on how much the taxpayer spent on Pride, or just... a level of comfort with dogwhistles which is strongly reminding me of when I was younger. It's one of those things which takes a slow, creeping toll.

Anyway, there was a quite nasty homophobic stabbing in Clapham the other night (both victims are now released from hospital and doing okay, for people who were just stabbed, according to reports) and it was outside a bar I used to go to when I still lived in London, and about three minutes from a different gay bar to which I took my partner the first weekend they came to stay with me. And I'm putting this on Dreamwidth because I feel like a lot of other social media invites attention in a way with which I am uncomfortable, and I don't want to feel like I am performing some kind of stolen valour. But I feel weird and sad about how it was somewhere which had felt safe, as much as places can.

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thefairymelusine @ 2023-07-27T00:21:00

2023-07-26T23:25:04Z

Moving continents remains very stressful. This time it has somehow become either as stressful but just in a different way, or more stressful, than the last time.

I am probably at capacity for stress. The universe, and most particularly, the bit of the universe that is my mother, does not care about this.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, I think. I hope it helps. I also pre-emptively feel sorry for my therapist.

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thefairymelusine @ 2023-01-15T22:56:00

2023-01-15T23:13:48Z

I had top surgery on 19th December. Which is four weeks ago tomorrow. I am, according to medical professionals, healing well and I am really pleased with the results. I'm sort of toying with the idea of writing some sort of zine like guide to top surgery recovery for a) people who are physically disabled and b) people who have been socially transitioning a long time, because I sort of did struggle to find resources on both pre top surgery. (Working title, "you cannot do the Macarena for six to eight weeks post top surgery").

We spent today driving to Liverpool to pick up a mobility scooter a friend of a friend is kindly lending me for the meanwhile. (I cannot currently use either my manual wheelchair or my smartcrutches and my mobility with a single stick is definitely limited. Also, after four weeks of barely leaving the house I really need improved access to outside). Have then spent the evening trying to google what sort of ramp would be most suitable for the front door and then despairing. But hopefully, soon, I will be able to go to Tim Horton's while my partner is at work without it taking aeons and being in acute pain. And maybe can sort out using the post graduate grant my Australian uni has awarded me to go on a short series of manuscript visiting trips.

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July has gone fast

2019-07-21T03:44:27Z

I did a big professional conference at the start of the month and it was so good. Exhausting, and I am still recovering, but so good. I'm feeling a lot more grounded and centred than I have, mentally and emotionally for a long time.

(Naturally this means everyone in my social circles who speaks to each other seems to have had a network of very complicated falling outs, but I do not have Facebook so I am largely in the dark about this and do not really mind).

I'm still quite drained after the last 2-3 years and I am a week into a bloody awful pain flare, which is not helping things, but on balance things are a bit better and I am relieved about this

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Predictable but useful "life hack" type things for me

2019-06-28T23:11:36Z

(Which I am posting about to try and internalise properly)

1. If possible, in a situation where I have to put stuff in a locker/on a library desk, choose a locker or library desk at the end of a row. This regularly saves five to ten minutes of wandering around trying to find the locker or desk, or leaving all of my stuff in the British Library overnight because I cannot remember a locker number.

2. There is nothing actually morally wrong with going to the library, or the gym, an couple of hours (or even an hour) before they close. They are still open at the time, I am more likely to manage getting to them in late afternoon/early evening and I have chronic pain and executive dysfunction. Not going to them in late afternoon/early evening because I think I am being lazy/not going in for enough time leads to me not going in at all, and that is generally unhelpful.

3. While it would be great if I could sort out my sleep cycle more, it is generally good for me, someone who currently has a flexible schedule, to try and *allow myself enough sleep* when I fall asleep.

4.Despite the comments of random people when they see my tablet gallery that I take a lot of selfies (I do, I also photograph the sky a lot and take a lot of screenshots, taking selfies fairly often/looking at myself in the mirror makes me feel less self conscious about being weird looking, and less dysphoric. Also, it is of no concern to anyone else what is in my tablet gallery, I am allowed have a lot of selfies, screenshots of manuscripts and pictures of ducks. I am the main person who looks at it.

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thefairymelusine @ 2019-02-12T01:10:00

2019-02-12T01:13:15Z

Today is my 30th birthday.

I've done a lot of my being sad and weird about it in the run up to now, so I am hoping to, like, quietly actually enjoy it.

(Also, there is a decent part of me which is like: take that depression, I got here despite everything and all of last year) .

If people do want to make a fuss in the comments, though, that would be nice.

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thefairymelusine @ 2018-12-20T23:25:00

2018-12-20T23:28:21Z

I have put my Christmas tree up and have posted Christmas cards, and this is helping a bit with the current anxiety and depressive downswing tied into it being Christmas/the end of another year and not feeling like I have made any progress .

(I actually really like Christmas/the general winter holiday period, my depression tends to be bad in the winter but I normally kinda like forced/socially obligated cheer and stopping for a bit and giving gifts. That I am so very broke this year is one reason I am feeling a bit sad, and the weird work ethic guilt over taking time off if it is only time off from being underemployed)

I've been hoping not to still be single this time next year for the last three years, and it's really hitting me quite hard this year as, you know, hoping really hard has little effect.

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thefairymelusine @ 2018-08-21T21:47:00

2018-08-21T20:51:04Z

My ankles are really, really clearly dodgy thanks to hypermobility these days, and I have quite clearly lost a lot of mobility in the past few years...

But I walked 2/3 of the way up Glastonbury Tor today, something I had wanted to do (not the 2/3rds part, the walking up it part) for a long time and that made me happy.

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thefairymelusine @ 2018-02-11T23:28:00

2018-02-11T23:28:53Z

I turn 29 tomorrow (Monday). I am feeling a bit odd about it- I have been in quite a bad depressive episode for a while and it has led to some weird thoughts About Mortality, and my social life is weird at the moment (often because of lack of money and being disabled make doing things hard, and most of my spoons are going on academic work).

I am also going to a rheumatology appointment at 11am on today which is Very Unbirthdayish, and means that I am braced for "surprise, you are in pain for [horrible reason]" or "we are going to continue going with fibromyalgia as a diagnosis, just live with stuff, maybe you could avoid stress".

(I had a lovely party last year, but it was a trifle blighted by an acquaintance taking offence at me being insufficiently grateful about being hugged against my issues during a panic attack when I had gone outside to compose myself, and then texting me the following day (my actual birthday) to tell me that this was awful and then telling me I was a manipulative and Machiavellian narcissist, which meant I spent several hours in tears).

I am, however, going to see Hamilton and I am excited about this. I have been listening to the soundtrack again, and am psyched.

And I had a nice lunch with a friend today and had a voucher for a free bottle of prosecco, and saw another friend . So all of that was good.

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I have a degree now.

2017-06-15T19:04:02Z

This is the cheerier life update.

I am graduating Friday week with an English Literature BA First Class Honours.

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Inconvenient ongoing financial situation

2017-06-15T18:57:17Z

So, for the last year, on and off, but more on than off, I have been in a fairly grim and difficult financial situation thanks to bureaucracy (which I can/will explain either via PM or in a locked entry, but I am wary of putting much details in an unlocked entry). As much of it has been taken care of as is humanly possible so far, but it makes this summer fairly difficult as my current sources of money are: 1) PIP, which I am very grateful for but is not a huge amount of income per month, 2) asking my parents for a loan when I absolutely run out, which is not ideal as I have spent a considerable chunk of my life trying to not be remotely financially entangled with them and it does not help with various dynamics (them still strongly disapproving of my transition etc eight years after it started) and 3) asking some close friends when stuff is dire.

Those are still my first port of call, but I am graduating next week and there are various expenses (clearing library fines, replacing a book because of BLOODY DYSPRAXIA interacting terribly with pain and depression) which I need to meet around that, as well as the fact that it would be great if I could avoid asking my parents for money for groceries and having my every financial transaction monitored by them.

So, I feel bad about doing this, and DO NOT donate unless you can afford it, but I thought I would put up a PayPal donation button and see that helps.

(I am looking at other things which can help, but I am in a weird double bind thanks to the bureaucracy thing where paid work isn't an option until they make a clear decision)

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thefairymelusine @ 2017-05-25T18:28:00

2017-05-25T17:47:40Z

I have literally one essay left on my degree, and that is making me feel a bit weird. (I think I am actually in a perfectly good position to start writing it, I just feel odd and afraid of starting writing because it is The Last Thing. And I do actually want it out of the way, I just need to avoid perfectionism regarding it and at least write a draft. This means the fact that I have opened a document and typed an introduction is good).

Endings generally make me feel a bit weird, and it turns out I feel really weird about undergrad finishing, partially because the ending of school was not really there (I mean, I went in for 'last day before study leave stuff' but I'd had to drop out because of being hospitalised, so it is nice but strange to actually have end of degree stuff happen? (And also has involved a lot of having to remind myself that it is very, very unlikely that everything will go horribly wrong at near last minute again).

I am just about coming out of a really quite bad depressive episode which started at some point in February and went on until a week or two ago. (it's not gone, I'm still depressed, I'm just out of REALLY BAD depression which is a relief) With that and pain stuff having been bad enough that I had to go to A and E in late March, I really should actually be quite pleased that 1) I have got everything in and done by the deadlines set 2) I have managed to consistently do some good and difficult work when really ill, and also turn up to things.

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thefairymelusine @ 2017-02-15T19:13:00

2017-02-15T19:45:49Z

There's a lot of stuff going on, and I am trying to sort through my own thoughts about it a tad. I turned 28 on Sunday, and I have spent much of the time since then wanting to have a nap, but I presume this is a normal 28 year old behaviour. I presented at an internal symposium at uni this time last week and it went really well. I have some generally good stuff going on study/career wise, and this is very good.

I also still have depression, and get thrown by unexpected triggers, and then catastrophise these into Literally Everything Wrong with me so I am trying to make some notes of concrete things which are good.

I was on the phone to friend-I-talk-to-most-days, the other day, comparing notes on stuff, and he pointed out that while I still have a fair amount of emotional ups and downs 'they're not as bad as they were three years ago, in that, you used to regularly go from a three to a one, whereas now you go from say a six to a four, or a three, which still sucks, but is a lot better'. I thought about it a lot, (and then accidentally looked at some old emails from three years ago) and think that that is fairly true, and also a helpful way of looking at it.

Another concrete thing:

I had a birthday party on Saturday, and I went to Intrusion last night, and both were lovely and also suffered slightly from the problem of 'a social thing with lots of people I know and like at it, and not managing to talk to all of them for long enough/at all'. And I finished supper tonight, and thought about how nice a problem that is to have, in the grand scheme of things, and that I am lucky it is sometimes a problem I have. So I wanted to note that.

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It is worth noting

2016-11-17T19:17:37Z

That I have finally started: logging in for application forms for masters degrees, and also, confirmed all three of my references.

(I plan to do my masters applications in the form of lots of small bursts of filling them in while otherwise feeling incredibly apprehensive)

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thefairymelusine @ 2016-10-13T22:59:00

2016-10-13T22:13:49Z

I am back at university, and have got to all vital appointments and classes in the first three weeks. (My timetable this term is heavily concentrated, which means I have to try and absolutely always be on form on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but that most of the rest of the week is my own to structure. I think I like this? It sort of worked for me during my access course. But also, it means I will probably be quite stressed on Monday and Tuesday evenings and basically a zombie on Wednesdays evenings throughout the next three months. All this is bearable, and knowing it at the beginning of term is a good thing).

I am, lets face it, really quite anxious about third year but I am trying to mostly experience that as 1) it makes sense to care about a year which is very important to completing my degree 2) I am actually capable of rising to the challenge 3) it is not a final dreadful culmination of my worth, it is a set of tasks I have to complete in order to get to the next phase of my career and onto masters etc. Which I think is the right way to look at this.

(I started writing this on Thursday of Week One, and then failed to post it. Although I am still really pleased that I have managed decent attendance since then, especially as health and pain stuff have been sub-optimal. It is a Thursday, so while I have done some necessary things I have also been useless at work, as I predicted I would be on Thursdays, but I am pleased with how work is going so far and that is good).

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Nearly at the end of the academic year update

2016-05-26T15:10:15Z

Because I am now trying to be a Sensible Person, who prioritises both my health and my university coursework above most things, I have taken an extension on the last two pieces of coursework. (I took it a couple of weeks ago, I still have two weeks remaining until the actual set in stone deadline but I really want to get them finished.)

This means that the last two pieces of coursework are really dragging, because I've kinda lost the adrenalin rush of the end of the year, and also my joints have been hellish this week (probably for hormonal reasons) and I unexpectedly needed to sort out a big life admin thing in the beginning of this week as well as a broken phone. (The tail end of Mercury retrograde decided to go all in on being Mercury retrograde*). I want this stuff to be gone, and I want not to have to take major breaks because of the pain, and to worry about it less. I am actually managing work (and managed not to fall apart during stressful stuff earlier in the week) but if anyone has some spare motivation and energy could they loan it to me?

It is survivable. And in a few days I will actually be done with this year, and be able to work out how I'm managing the summer.

*I take astrology with a heavy pinch of salt, but there are times when, for example, my phone has broken at the same time as a complicated admin thing I need to sort out happening and I am dissociating on a high street when the possible placebo effect of an explanation which is neutral is very helpful.

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