October 18th, 2017
quirkytizzy: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] quirkytizzy at 07:27am on 18/10/2017
* Wake up shouting from one nightmare. Have a cigarette, go back to bed.

* Wake up shouting from another nightmare a few hours later. Eat some food, have another cigarette, go back to bed.

* Wake up AGAIN shouting from another nightmare. Realize the futility of sleep and haul yourself out of bed. Have six cigarettes.

* Realize the sun is coming up. Think perhaps you can go back to bed soon. Have another cigarette.

* Time to lay back down - after I have another cigarette.
October 17th, 2017
recessional: bare-footed person in jeans walks on log (Default)
October 16th, 2017
recessional: text: "I'm going to continue drinking my tea and pretend you didn't just say that." (personal; my evens are incapable)
October 15th, 2017
rmc28: Rachel smiling against background of trees, with newly-cut short hair (Default)
posted by [personal profile] rmc28 at 10:39pm on 15/10/2017 under
numbers )
October 14th, 2017
recessional: "Okay, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking." (personal; even zaphod knows ur dumb)
October 13th, 2017
recessional: an image of a typewriter keyboard with the words "so many monkeys, so little shakespeare" over top (personal; should be 5 new plays by now!)
recessional: bare-footed person in jeans walks on log (Default)
recessional: bare-footed person in jeans walks on log (Default)
October 12th, 2017
recessional: back view of a nude young woman on a bed, hair back in a messy knot (personal; bare)
October 10th, 2017
recessional: back view of a nude young woman on a bed, hair back in a messy knot (personal; bare)
October 8th, 2017
rmc28: Rachel smiling against background of trees, with newly-cut short hair (Default)
posted by [personal profile] rmc28 at 11:14pm on 08/10/2017 under
numbers )
October 7th, 2017
recessional: a photo-manip: a tiny black dragon rests on someone's fingertips (personal; DRAGON)
quirkytizzy: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] quirkytizzy at 10:13am on 07/10/2017 under
There's been a question rolling around my head for the last couple of weeks. Once my mother realized that her husband was sexually abusing both of her daughters, at what point did she decide to double down in his defense? When did she decide that it wasn't his fault and, thusly, she needed to find ways to blame us for the abuse?

Was it a conscience decision? Was it some kind of base, animal instinct?

On my 24th birthday, she told me - word for word - that she knew that if she'd gone to the court-ordered therapy, complied with the social workers, that she'd get her children back.

And she also told me, on my 24th birthday, that she knew that would lead her to lose her husband. She outright stated that she knew she had to make a choice. That choice, as history shows, was to pick her husband over her children. She admitted as much, in direct words.

But this was years after the fact. I now wonder about the mental gymnastics she was performing at the time. Was there ever any fight in her about who to choose? Did she feel, in any way, that she SHOULD have chosen us, and had to work to abandon that idea?

Or was it a snap reaction, an immediate fury directed at her daughters? Did she genuinely feel that we were to blame, right off the bat? Was there ever any doubt in her about who the villain was? Did she struggle, or was the fault so embedded in her children that she didn't even think to question her own motives, let alone those of her husband's?

What was the thought process? How did she get from "my husband is making sex toys out my children" to ""and I have to find a way to pin it on my children"? What sorts of things did she have to tell herself in order to BELIEVE that her husband wasn't at fault for his actions? What was the belief structure that made her so certain that her husband was the victim and WE, as children, were the villains?

These are questions that will never be answered, not to satisfaction. Perhaps the greatest tragedy of abuse is that the questions will forever linger. They haunt the far-reaching corners of the mind like a ghost in a long ago forgotten attic. We can eventually stop searching for the answers, but the questions will always remains.

In her mind, who was truly the villain?
October 6th, 2017
rootsofthestories: A woman wandering into the forest (Default)
musyc: Text: And they lived miserably ever after (Other: Miserably)
posted by [personal profile] musyc in [community profile] nuggan at 04:58pm on 06/10/2017
People who cannot walk six feet to the trashcan and instead leave garbage on the counter ALL DAMNED NIGHT LONG are an Abomination Unto Nuggan (and part of the reason we have gnats, dammit)!!
rootsofthestories: (Misc: Good Sign)
rmc28: (rmcf+fcdf)
posted by [personal profile] rmc28 at 07:56am on 06/10/2017 under
He very kindly waited until 7am to wake me up to open presents, which for reasons were stored in his brother's room. He is now assembling toys in the centre of a drift of packaging, while Nick builds an unbirthday Lego set on his bed and I catch up on email / dreamwidth on my phone. School has a teacher training day & I have the day off work and am taking both children to see my mother for the long weekend  (at Charles's request).
October 5th, 2017
recessional: "I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a wider academy, of which human nature is merely a part." (personal; monkeys are funny)
rootsofthestories: Someone surrounded by boos and such with their head on the desk (writing: how do words)
recessional: steve rogers and bucky barnes in the pub in CA1 (film; body and soul)

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