thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 09:30pm on 20/06/2008 under , ,

I'm trying to write a covering letter for a job as a PA in theatre. And in between saying that I love theatre (and if that's the case why haven't I seen any for ages) and new writing, and my skills and all that jazz I am trying to overcome the patchiness of my CV, without explaining the illness too much. I've basically spent the last fifteen months doing nothing of use. And it's no use saying I couldn't say I was going to get ill, because if I'd thought more about things last summer I could probably have told that I wasn't doing that well and wasn't going to cope with *anything*. Because I can't fucking cope with anything, at least that's the impression I get from my parents and therapist and social worker, all of whom are terrified of me over committing, and over stressing myself, because apparently I can't cope with stress. And the point where I could, the point where I was an high achiever, lasted about a year and immediately preceded the major craziness. And I want to do stuff. I really want to do stuff. I want to get a degree, I want to get a job that lasts more than three days. People ask me what I'm doing at the moment and I just fluff it. It's depressing.

Music:: my mum watching the football
Mood:: tearful
location: Living room
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 11:44pm on 16/06/2008 under ,
So, due to running out of wearable clothes that fit me this morning, and not wanting to wear my white trouser suit because of various factors, I discovered quite a nice outfit. Cute, even. And it looks really nice with my heels. But here's the problem, it is very colourful. Very red. And, with some exceptions (dressing up, characters, shoes and accessories) I've avoided colour for nearly three years now. It's sort of become bound up with my identity (I have a ridiculously weak sense of self, I like defining it with random things. No hanging prepositions, monochrome. That sort of thing), but then I found this dress I haven't worn in ages and really needed clean clothes so wore it (it is my confirmation dress, fifties prom dress style, red with large polka dots) and wore it with the jacket from my white suit and a red handbag and pumps, and it looked really nice. Not being vain or anything, am saying the clothes looked nice and therefore I looked nice, and then when I got back from the RC I tried it on with my heels and it looked nicer, and I know the dress looks good with my docs and ARRGH! It looks good. I like looking good, it is rare for me. And I want to wear it so that people will see it, but don't want to break my identity by wearing it. And the look was complimented at work and I'm not sure whether to break my identity completely and start wearing my blue kaftan as well (another discovery from when I had no clothes. Grey trousers and blue/green kaftan worn with a scarf round the waist also looks good). 

Am currently looking for PA jobs following the secretarial course.They are difficult to get, as most require massive amounts of experience, and I doubt a one week course (which was pretty intensive) and the diploma from that (which I haven't got yet) are going to help hugely in getting them. But they pay MUCH better than basic admin (especially once you've got the experience) and are also slightly more interesting (drafting correspondence, solving problems) although they involve massive amounts of routinely dull jobs. But not quite as dull as basic admin/reception. Plus I got the impression on the course that they sort of require you to talk to people, which might be good for me.

Bed now, as I have to meet my social worker and get meds (two separate things) in the morning.
Music:: Edwyn Collins
Mood:: weird
location: bedroom


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