thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)

I have depression.


I know that’s unclear. I know I can state in various ways to make you think that perhaps it is more than just getting upset, or giving up on things. I have a depressive disorder. I’ve been hospitalised with depression three times. I take anti depressants, and anti psychotics. Excusing myself from certain things because I have issues. I have attempted suicide more than once..


I can tell you, or if you know me you might see, how it affects my life. If you are unlucky enough to be close to me during a bad period, you will see me be both debilitated and frightened and in some ways frightening, and unable to cope with the world. In other environments you will see me cry over things that are completely unimportant, or get irrationally upset, or excuse myself and go quiet. You might hear me talk about self harm, or anxiety attacks, or suicidal thoughts. I’ll probably tone it down, or talk about other things, or even mention it in a conversational manner, because I do want to do other things, and think about other things, and in the hope if I mention it.


So you’ve gathered now that I have issues?


If I make every effort to talk about my issues, my disability, openly and sensibly, is it my problem that you don’t understand it, or that it’s frightening to watch, or just confuses you? Yes and no. It will almost certainly effect me adversely, that you don’t understand, but it is a problem I have, not a problem with me. The problem is you not understanding, or not even trying to understand. I accept that you don’t get it. That’s fine. But get that you don’t get it, and that that is a problem with you.


I would also make it quite clear that I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about my disability and my problems, and how to fix them, and what fixing them means. I also know what they are, what a warning sign is, and what I feel like when depressed. Every way I can feel when depressed. And they are not the ways you feel. They are not the ways you feel whether you are someone who has stubbed their toe at the end of a bad day, someone who’s about to start a course of a talking therapy for anxiety issues or moderate depression, or someone who’s been on exactly the same meds as me for the same amount of time. Our thoughts and feelings are unique, the distorted things that can happen to them are also unique. So I won’t tell you I know what you feel, and what you should do.


But I have issues and I tell you about them or their visible. That does not make it okay to use them against me. There are ways, if I am being upset or irrational, of calming me down or giving me space. And half the time I know it’s irrational, anyway, and I don’t want to be feeling or thinking it. Being told I’m weak, or odd, or making things difficult for you, making things about the issues which are nothing to do with you on to get attention, or because I haven’t worked on them, or if I worked a bit harder I would be fine, does not help. Furthermore using the fact that I have issues to win an argument, or get out of a conversation, or dismiss me, when done in an obvious and confrontational way, and done assuming that I haven’t thought about it- it makes you a bigot and a coward. And you do assume I haven’t thought about it. I am willing to think about it more, but I would also like you to think about your issues, your presumptions and not just assume I’m irrational, or able to be dismissed. You can dismiss me, and my actions and reactions and feelings, but that doesn’t mean you should. And it doesn’t mean that it’s okay for other people to excuse behaviour or actions, because my problems are scary, or difficult to watch or understand, when I’m trying my best not to do that myself and I am the person who is going through them
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 05:33pm on 25/05/2009 under , , , ,
Good things:
I cut my hair. I didn't do it myself, but went to an hairdresser, and I now have shorter hair, in a vaguely Enid from Ghost world bob but with a fringe. The fringe is currently blonde. Soon I will be paid and then it may be hairdye time. Or I may retrieve the hairdye from James and then it shall be blue and blue black. And then blue and some other colour. (I am thinking bright blue and bright pink, possibly with some blue black, and I may add purple if I have any left.)
I have a boyfriend with blue hair. This is exciting. (also, you know, he's pretty wonderful in respects other than hair.)
I wrote a poem and had the guts to read it out in front of people, and that was not the terrifying hell I was expecting.
The weekend was awesome. Poetry and drinking until the early morning is win.
Madmen is also awesome, and if anyone can make me a Madmen icon I would be pleased (preferably Betty.)

Things about which I am not sure:
you know how you miss when I was completely melting and regularly blogged about my constant changes in medication and the side effects. Another anti depressant has been added to my meds, citalopram, and there's a possibility of a mood stabiliser as well, once my mood is, well, stable. I'm having a slight meds freakout, which I'll write about later.  (The whole it seems to take a lot of stuff, including stuff other than meds, to make this go away and that scares me and sometimes I have depression freakouts along the lines of maybe I'm fine really and just need to pull myself togehter, but that is majorly stupid, because I am doing as much as I am able.)

Going to go and write Maelstrom characters now.
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 04:27pm on 31/07/2008 under , ,

- get the epic prescription so I have spare meds
- Beta on

[profile] resurgamlaura

's essay of doomage.
-Bryanston people letters
-find eyeliner and black nail polish.
-wash hair
-find washbag
-the epic I-am-leaving-and-therefore-must-see-or-speak-to-people thing which is happening this evening and tomorrow (mostly trying to see Madeline and obtain Thermidor from Kate before leaving)
- Find out whether my boyfriend is a complete masochist who wants to meet my train (unlikely, but he has offered)

It is entirely possible that most of these will be abandoned in favour of the prescription, beta, packing and LJ posting about literature. Or a milkshake and the Mote in God's Eye.

thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 06:34pm on 16/10/2007 under , , ,

well, I survived the weekend, which was actually very nice, even if I forgot my meds so spent most of it in a fairly zombieish/mute state, and did get quite a lot of glitter on me as an indirect result of very early debauchery involving a large amound of purple lush body glitter (and then as a result of debauchery in general). That's probably the most interesting part of the weekend since it involves nudity, debauchery and glitter, all of which are good. I drank a reasonable amount of gin and red wine and was introduced to a scary number of people. The people themselves weren't scary (well, some of them were) but the multitude daunted me.

Forgetting the meds was bad. Not so much when I was there, but when I got back the comedown off the weekend and not having taken any of my meds for two days caused lots of random tearfulness. Fortunately I've managed to pull myself together enough to write an essay (my first full essay of term) and I have another lurking. I'm seeing the psych team tomorrow so might be able to deal with the random mood swings/mild psychosis more after that. I wish I could stop dreaming.

That's all for now. Just to let you know I'm alive and vaguely human.

Music:: Chris Pureka- Burning Bridges
location: bedroom floor
Mood:: exhausted


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