And what was she, the fairy Melusine?

Okay, so I have had a fail few days mostly, and while there is much awesome stuff, there are still some things with which I'm having problems.
There is some stuff that I am trying to leave behind with which I'm having problems. The therapist I saw for the last while wasn't big on talking about these, even when it was suggested. In other ways he was good. There is hardly any psychology in Coventry. But here is some stuff. So I'm going to talk about it here. It's under a cut, if you don't want to read. I may do a few other of these. And given it is teenage queer angst, you may not want to read.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my difficulties at school were not just because I was queer. I do think it was a weird, often homophobic, environment but hey, it had a Gay Straight Alliance the last few years, to which I don't go because of my fucked up attitude to gay rights at the time and problems with the people running it/taking part in it. There were prominent queer students who didn't have problems, or were okay after a while. There was also some really appalling homophobia, and some pretty skewed attitudes.

When I was fourteen or fifteen I got a major crush on a friend. I dealt with this in a slightly weird way (it involved ridiculously identifying with Malvolio in Twelfth Night) and talking a lot to a mutual friend about it in an annoying and emo way. And doing anything to make said friend like me more, which involved stopping being loud and ranty and outraged, and pretty much remaining silent around her because she thought I was loud and ranty and outraged over things that didn't matter. And I edited a cut of Doctor Faustus in which I wanted her to play Faustus. ) After a while she noticed that I was weird, and I was approached by the same friend at whom I'd been emo to basically say that they didn't want to be friends with me any more, because I was making Friend On Whom I Had  A Crush uncomfortable. This was done badly. I didn't react terribly well and had a row with them in which Mutual Friend said they were being reasonable. A few weeks later I lost it with them over something not related in my first anxiety attack. In front of a classroom full of people. Mutual Friend made a scene to my form teacher about being really worried about me. It got mixed up with people thinking I was weird because of mental health stuff, and people thinking I was weird because the whole year knew I'd had a crush on Friend On Whom I Had A Crush (obviously) and I was kind of ostracised. It wasn't great, and contributed to lots of angst about how I'd been weird and creepy (which I had a bit, but I'd also tried not to be.) I was quite messed up about it for a while, it was not the best way to come out (it coming out around everyone knowing about the crush, when it had been something I'd just told Mutual Friend and one or two others in a coming out angst type way).

So my issues around that were around being weird and creepy. Two and an half years later, after all this and the horrible year of getting more anxiety and depression problems and anxiety attacks while also no one was talking to me, things are different. There is Spectrum (the Gay Straight Alliance). There are openly queer couples being loud and arguing with the school and being affectionate in common rooms. My year is loudly pro queer, and among these people is Friend On Whom I Had A Crush, who is now running GSA meetings, and with a girl, and one of the very loudly queer people. That's fine, she had her own issues, I've never been sure how much everyone knowing was to do with her, all that is fine, I am no longer bitter about it. There is a cast party for some plays I've co-directed, and there is drinking and dramatic stuff to do with everyone being attracted to Girl Who Was In Drag In Play, and lots of confused straight girls. I'm not part of that, but everyone else is. I get talking to Openly Bi-Girl about sexuality. She is quite drunk. She ends up getting terribly upset about her appearance, when we're alone in a room. I tell her she's beautiful, and say that at that moment I would quite like to kiss her, and ask whether that's okay. She says yes but that it means nothing in the morning. I'm cool with that. We start making out. Her friends come in, separate us, say they'll take care of her, she's very drunk and I go away. I talk to a confused straight girl for a bit, and then go home.

I go back to school on the Tuesday, after exhaustion from the play. It has got round the school that I kissed Openly Bi-Girl, but that I "pulled her while she was unconscious". All the stuff about being weird and creepy comes back, and the rumour persists and is unhelpful. The rumour is probably a result of Chinese whispers, is not at all refuted by the loudly queer crowd, and gets me really upset. And oh yeah, I can't talk to many people about it. And Openly Bi-Girl avoids me for the remaining year and an half.

Some context (about which I feel guilty).  In that play there was a scene with a kiss between two characters (central male character and sexy french film star). In my desire for authenticity I insisted in keeping it in (note, I went to an all girls school). The two actors made a huge fuss about it, which I put down to homophobia and ignored. In a rehearsal early on, I was blocking (yes, I did blocking, it was school drama) the scene, in the part of one of the actors.  When it got to the part with the kiss, I kissed the other girl, which she didn't expect, on the grounds that it was quite important to the scene. (It wasn't overly sexualised, I kissed her on the lips quickly, nothing else). I can see that that contributed to the weird and creepy image, it wasn't helpful and was probably stupid, but it was mostly because I didn't know how else to work out the scene and a small, pathetic "look, it's really not that bad. I am very very guilty about it now. 

But I don't quite see how you get from that and weird emo ness to it going round the year that I borderline sexually assaulted  someone. And this did screw up a lot, and I can see that a lot of it was probably because I was a weird kid who cried and had anxiety attacks, but it was screwed up  and hurtful. And I do feel bad about whether I pressured Openly Bi-Girl into kissing me, but I really did try not to (see the fact that I did not just kiss her, but asked).

Anyway, this is some of the stuff I'm trying very hard to get over, about which very few people have talked to me, and about which I just wanted to talk. I hope I haven't been horrible and defensive and self aggrandising here, and it just helped to talk. Say anything you want in response