And what was she, the fairy Melusine?

I love Sady Doyle to pieces. She published a piece of mine just before Freddie<BONERS>gate at Tiger Beatdown, and she is all kinds of awesome.  I often disagree with her, but fairly regularly she writes a piece that breaks my heart and heals it at the same time

"Ellen Ripley Saved My Life" is one of those pieces. See, that worst month of my life may well be now, and reading something that grasps all the things that succeed and fail in three series that are important to me, was what I needed. I'd forgotten the end to River Tam's story until I read that piece. I'd blanked it out. That possibly says interesting things about my subconscious.

More discussion will be under the cut, because there are some spoilers, admittedly for long since released or finished sequels, but before that a few quotes:

(On River Tam as a Strong Woman Heroine) "To be a woman, and strong, is to be pathologized. Your voice is rendered unlistenable by virtue of its truth. But all of these other women spend a lot of time yelling about how you have to believe them, about how they're! Not! Crazy! And River… well, River's ill."

"There's one version of the story that goes: There is someone out there. Someone good and wise and kind. And when you are in danger, when you need him most, he will always come to save you. It's a good story. But there's another story, too, that I think is important.

Because: What if no one is coming to save you? Sometimes, nobody is coming. And who didn't come to save you, and when? What happened, on the day that you were not saved? That was the day that you saved yourself."

( Whedon, strong women, and saving yourself )

Have hesitated over whether to post this, have decided it's worthwhile

I would like to point out that this post comes after conversations with men I like, respect, and care about. Whom I don't think are inherently sexist, or terrible people. But really, I am incredibly saddened by having to say this, which has been said better by many other people on the internet.

I'm not going to go into the individual ones have prompted this post

Rape jokes- they're just not okay. They not using humour as a defence, or acknowledging how terrible rape is in a productive way, or making people happier through use of humour. they are not engaging into a meaningful dialogue. Most frequently they are acknowledging rape as part of an accepted power dynamic, play into ideas of rape as somehow normal/ to be expected and women as vulnerable, treat rape as a compliment, buy into the idea of rape as punishment, or just treat rape as something that doesn't happen, or doesn't concern us.

It does concern us. And if you want to engage in a dialogue then there are other ways to do it, and if you want to make people happier through laughter, I'm fairly sure there are other ways to do that too. There is a whole world full of things about which you can joke, many of which are not buying into or supporting tools of oppression of anyone.

And yes, I'm saying this because I'm a woman, and because I've been made feel unsafe in my body for long enough, and the idea of people laughing at that hurts, and the idea of people laughing at the reality of rape hurts far far more. Because you don't know whether the people you're talking to have been raped. You don't know whether they have been relentlessly conditioned to fear doing the wrong thing and being raped, (though if they're women in our society, they probably have).

And I'm being a coward and posting this somewhere that I know the people who made the jokes won't read, because I don't want to be accused of being oversensitive, or offensive. But when I explain to people in detail my problem with rape jokes, and their response is "I won't make them in front of you then" followed by continuing to make Rohypnol jokes in front of me, or about the technical ease of raping a woman because of her physical vulnerability, I am filled with an impotent rage.

I would like to point out that this post comes after conversations with men I like, respect, and care about. Whom I don't think are inherently sexist, or terrible people. But really, I am incredibly saddened by having to say this, which has been said better by many other people on the internet.

I'm not going to go into the individual ones have prompted this post

Rape jokes- they're just not okay. They not using humour as a defence, or acknowledging how terrible rape is in a productive way, or making people happier through use of humour. they are not engaging into a meaningful dialogue. Most frequently they are acknowledging rape as part of an accepted power dynamic, play into ideas of rape as somehow normal/ to be expected and women as vulnerable, treat rape as a compliment, buy into the idea of rape as punishment, or just treat rape as something that doesn't happen, or doesn't concern us.

It does concern us. And if you want to engage in a dialogue then there are other ways to do it, and if you want to make people happier through laughter, I'm fairly sure there are other ways to do that too. There is a whole world full of things about which you can joke, many of which are not buying into or supporting tools of oppression of anyone.

And yes, I'm saying this because I'm a woman, and because I've been made feel unsafe in my body for long enough, and the idea of people laughing at that hurts, and the idea of people laughing at the reality of rape hurts far far more. Because you don't know whether the people you're talking to have been raped. You don't know whether they have been relentlessly conditioned to fear doing the wrong thing and being raped, (though if they're women in our society, they probably have).

And I'm being a coward and posting this somewhere that I know the people who made the jokes won't read, because I don't want to be accused of being oversensitive, or offensive. But when I explain to people in detail my problem with rape jokes, and their response is "I won't make them in front of you then" followed by continuing to make Rohypnol jokes in front of me, or about the technical ease of raping a woman because of her physical vulnerability, I am filled with an impotent rage.

It's not risky humour, it's infantile, misogynist and wrong, and really really distressing.

New Start
Okay, on Thursday I start my new job. It is a cool job, it is in an area in which I want to work, with links to other ones. I've spent this evening, and much of the last few days, going through practical things big and small, and also small head clearing things. And have managed to ritualise this as a new start. Not completely new, there are awesome continuations, but this will be my year of giving a damn and not, of trying to live to my principles, challenge and question my prejudice and preconceptions, be loud, be considerate. And this is what I want to stick by:

I will improve at calling people out, male and female, queer and  not, left and right wing on their use of  casually sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, classist, or ablist comments (thank you the F-Word) and language, and do so when I like and respect the person in question, and do so in a polite manner. And I will listen if people do the same to me.

I will read more widely and be more politically, socially and professionally aware, especially in the fields about which I want to write. (And especially in terms of mental health activism

I will make the most of creative and professional opportunities.

I will, most probably, compromise or adjust what I say (i.e. not say things) around people or audiences, I am never going to stop doing this, some of it is courtesy, some of it is being sensible, some of it being appropriate and some of it self preservation. But I'm going to do it in those circumstances and not as a default reaction or because I don't want to be confrontational.

The same applies to presentation.

I will stop listening to people who tell me that I will be pigeonholed if I mention being affected by issues.

I will be aware of my privilege as well as that of others.

I will abandon my intellectual snobbery regarding education and what subjects, disciplines, forms of education and degree classes/grades are acceptable/respectable.

I will not be an intellectual snob in reverse.

I will undoubtedly fuck up at some point and in some way, but I will acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them.

And I shall be willing to be persuaded, while also willing to argue back.

And two things for  secondterminal (1) and amagiclantern (2)

(1)I shall respond to the term "facebook rape" by directing the person who makes the comment to the issue of Dinosaur Comics I now cannot find, and for which searching makes me feel wrong.

(2)and, as I said earlier I am going to dress and behave like an angry queer feminist genderfucking office worker in my early twenties, to do a symbolic "fuck you" to my mother and school and retail jobs, and because, to quote xkcd, "we're the grownups now and we get to decide what that means"

Also this year needs a name. Although I'm quite tempted by the Century of the Fruitbat.