thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 01:54pm on 10/04/2016 under , ,
I've been thinking about how, as I edge closer to thirty than twenty, even with my own relatively loose schedule it gets harder to see my friends. The category of "people I adore and to whom I am genuinely close, but see at best once every six, if not every 18 months" covers more people. As indeed does the category of "people I quite like but with whom I have just lost touch, not for important reasons but because we lose touch with people over time"

I've just had two weeks off university, during which I had to admit that I was *not* going to catch up with everyone I wanted to see, because I needed to spend quite a lot of time Doing Very Little plus trying to catch up on some work. I did actually manage an uncharacteristic level of Being Sociable- I went to a friend's birthday party. I hung out with my friends C and H who did a lot of looking after me when we were all in London in 2011-2015, and whom I do actually still see more than most other people, but hadn't seen without us all being terribly busy since the summer, really. I saw the one friend with whom I am in touch from school for dinner and drinks, and a friend whom I've known since 2009 and to whom I am very close, but managed to not see for 5 years because we were both in different sorts of appalling health from late 2011 to January.

I feel like this is one of the parts of adulthood for which I'm unprepared: it's not that I was excellent at having friends as a small human, I was very lonely and badly bullied and didn't really master the "person I talk to most days" level of friendship til my late teens (with a friend whom I'm seeing for coffee sometime next month, to whom I don't talk as much now because we're just busier, but who hasn't ceased to matter). But it is an odd thing to which to get used, and one of the things that I think is especially difficult to navigate when single, because I lack a default person or people with whom to make plans.

I've got five weeks left of term, if we include exams, and then I've got the summer and I'm a bit scared of it. It hit me when I got back the other week that I don't really have a social support network in London any more, other than parents, because people have moved away or are busy. And that is probably normal for a 27 year old living in his hometown who moved away for a bit, but it still feels a bit jarring.
location: Belle Ombre
thefairymelusine: line drawing of a knight lying by a bank of flowers (Default)
posted by [personal profile] thefairymelusine at 10:54pm on 16/08/2013 under , , ,
 I got onto two courses for September: Access to Higher education and A2 English. Two days in college plus study at home, texts including "The Dubliners" and "Whitsun Weddings", local Adult Ed college who've been good about the mental health and dyspraxia (need to email them before course starts about trans stuff, just to get it clear).

I'm volunteering at a local charity shop, which is weirdly confidence boosting. Am good at calmly doing monotonous things which are somewhat important. And this is an employable skill set.

I got my eyes tested and have new free glasses coming soon! Woo, NHS. I also, thanks to a kind friend, have a shiny sort of new macbook (a lot newer than M, my 2006 computer who, after a few valiant last gasps, stopped being able to type). Or, y'know, cope with the world in which he existed now  and 2013 internet. 

Therapy from last year is sticking, which helps. Also, after six years of people wanting to focus on my mental health issues and sorting my life out, and being a mental health guinea pig, I'm starting to be able to stand up to mental health services a bit more (i.e. get the things I want out of them, but realise that I don't have to go to every group/thing that is recommended if it is sending my anxiety through the roof, and asserting boundaries and stuff)

And I am talking to people, actual live people who I care about on a nearly daily basis, and not having a freakout when I am a bit odd because of mental health.

thefairymelusine: (Harvey Dent)
New Start
Okay, on Thursday I start my new job. It is a cool job, it is in an area in which I want to work, with links to other ones. I've spent this evening, and much of the last few days, going through practical things big and small, and also small head clearing things. And have managed to ritualise this as a new start. Not completely new, there are awesome continuations, but this will be my year of giving a damn and not, of trying to live to my principles, challenge and question my prejudice and preconceptions, be loud, be considerate. And this is what I want to stick by:

I will improve at calling people out, male and female, queer and  not, left and right wing on their use of  casually sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, classist, or ablist comments (thank you the F-Word) and language, and do so when I like and respect the person in question, and do so in a polite manner. And I will listen if people do the same to me.

I will read more widely and be more politically, socially and professionally aware, especially in the fields about which I want to write. (And especially in terms of mental health activism

I will make the most of creative and professional opportunities.

I will, most probably, compromise or adjust what I say (i.e. not say things) around people or audiences, I am never going to stop doing this, some of it is courtesy, some of it is being sensible, some of it being appropriate and some of it self preservation. But I'm going to do it in those circumstances and not as a default reaction or because I don't want to be confrontational.

The same applies to presentation.

I will stop listening to people who tell me that I will be pigeonholed if I mention being affected by issues.

I will be aware of my privilege as well as that of others.

I will abandon my intellectual snobbery regarding education and what subjects, disciplines, forms of education and degree classes/grades are acceptable/respectable.

I will not be an intellectual snob in reverse.

I will undoubtedly fuck up at some point and in some way, but I will acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them.

And I shall be willing to be persuaded, while also willing to argue back.

And two things for  [ profile] secondterminal (1) and [ profile] amagiclantern (2)

(1)I shall respond to the term "facebook rape" by directing the person who makes the comment to the issue of Dinosaur Comics I now cannot find, and for which searching makes me feel wrong.

(2)and, as I said earlier I am going to dress and behave like an angry queer feminist genderfucking office worker in my early twenties, to do a symbolic "fuck you" to my mother and school and retail jobs, and because, to quote xkcd, "we're the grownups now and we get to decide what that means"

Also this year needs a name. Although I'm quite tempted by the Century of the Fruitbat.


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