And what was she, the fairy Melusine?

I have come down with my third debilitating cough/temperature/cold symptoms in SIX WEEKS? This is very silly. The good news is: it isn't bronchitis (given the type of cough my parents and disability mentor thought it might be bronchitis). Went to the GP yesterday and was told it might turn into bronchitis, but to wait and see. (The effects of 6 and a bit years of binding mean I am more likely to get chest infections)

It's still bad enough that I can't really bind, which is very annoying, and I'm still in a moderate depressive episode which is worsened by being ill. Have been worse at remembering taking my painkillers, too, and then hitting exhausted combinations of pain + depression + pain induced fatigue.

In good news: returned my forms to Charing Cross (recorded delivery) yesterday, so might actually get an appointment at some point in the next year, despite having to take many extensions my course is going okay, I have nice friends who have been nice and encouraging when I've been ill and low this week

I had a horrible cold a few weeks ago, which I thought this weekend was just about gone. (To the degree that last night I was eating a curry and feeling glad that I did not feel the need to order a super spicy one in order to get rid of the blocked feeling and that I could eat scratchy things without my throat feeling like sandpaper). Last night I packed stuff for my early lecture seminar, went to bed, fell into a half doze...

and then woke throughout the night every twenty-forty minutes with an awful hacking cough, to the degree that by the time it was near morning and the lecture/seminar I did not feel able to go. I have been dosing up on lemsip and trying to keep warm and rest, in the hope that it will go away soon.

I am a bit stressed because of 1) heavier than normal week of classes (a class was postponed owing to the tutor's illness a few weeks ago, so the catch up class is on Thursday) 2) DSA equipment training on Thursday and 3) a dude on my campus who has decided to theatrically blank me, after he tried to insist to me that misogyny did not exist when I was just.trying.to.eat.my.bloody.dinner. (I told him it was pretty misogynist to insist that *ALL* women/people with experience of being read as women merely 'claimed misogyny to escape rational criticism). And... I have no obligation to be polite to sexist/misogynist arseholes, and I have no desire to apologise, but I find the being theatrically blanked a bit wearing, especially as it is difficult to avoid being in the same spaces as him (the dining hall, the stairwell of the building in which I live, for example)

I have more to share I guess but today I am tired and my throat hurts and I keep coughing, so will keep it to this for the moment

I rang in the new year pleasantly, at a small dinner party I was hosting at which just enough of the invitees turned up to justify me buying slightly fancier wine and artichokes than usual.

2015 was not a disastrous year- compared to some years it was pretty okay. I didn't have any catastrophic bad things happen directly to me, and I completed the stuff I wanted to an adequate degree (see: am still at uni, recent grades have been decent, etc). Most of my energy went on my degree and a couple of other boring, pretending to be a functional human goals (work experience, increasing my ability to cook, etc). I had some bad mental health stuff, but it did not knock me for six (for once I did the sensible thing of taking advantage of all my disability accommodations and telling anyone I was working with that I needed them). My chronic pain stuff has got worse, which is unpleasant, and I felt tired a lot. As mentioned elsewhere, I am fairly sure I went outside EVERY DAY, if not I managed the vast majority of days, and that is an achievement.

In short, 2015 was a year in which I coped. Much like the David Sedaris remark about how no one really wants to be described as benign, while there is nothing wrong with coping and I'm glad to do so, I'd rather not have it as the highest accolade for the year in question, but it probably is. 2015 was also dominated by an abnormally high number of my close friends having *terrible* years and this really doesn't earn it points. (Obviously, I did not experience this directly but it really affected my experience of the year overall, and if 2016 could leave my friends alone next year I would appreciate it.)

I had a break up about which I'm still a bit sad- the relationship was imperfect but pleasant, and I am annoyed by how much of the year I spent single. My new year's resolutions this year were a writing related one which I didn't fully manage but did partially manage, and 'no grand pyrotechnic fallings out' with close friends, which again, was only a partial success. (Does being friend-dumped count if you try and mostly handle it amicably?)

I think this sounds bitterer than I intended, and that is probably affected by two things: the fact that I'm in quite a bad pain flare after a (lovely) walk today, and the fact that I just watched whatever on earth the latest Sherlock episode was. I am actually fairly optimistic- I'm in my flat, with my Christmas tree, and I am going to eat some Viennetta in a minute before bed.

I hope this year is kind to you, and I hope that you know how much I enjoy this place. (Dreamwidth is meant here, not my flat, although obviously I like the latter)

1) Had a proper chat with Friend I Talk To Most Days for a bit last night, which was nice.

2) Also did DIY hairdressing and my hair is no longer too long. There is a bit I ended up correcting semi successfully, but I think it looks good. Will put pictures on Flickr later.

3) Have a lecture on Jorge Luis Borges later, and really, really, really enjoyed his stories. (Had to only read them in daylight, if possible, because they hit a particular brand of ideas based terror which I cannot deal with if tired and nightmaring, but that's kind of proof of how good they are)

4) Managed to get to breakfast today, which I didn't yesterday.

5) More yarn arrived for my scarf. I get hopelessly nervous about posting about craft projects, because my knitting is at the "knit  rectangles in yarn you like using" stage, but I am now onto the third ball of yarn for the scarf so I feel that maybe I will not jinx it. (My baby sister got me a ball of Katia Inca yarn as a Christmas present last year, and I am trying to finish this scarf in the same yarn for Christmas this year. It goes in stages, with sudden spurts when I have a bout of insomnia as knitting is the most calming thing. ) 

6) Again, am always nervous about talking about or showing writing at the moment, but have started working on a project and am trying to keep going with it. (Again, giving myself arbitrary deadlines)

7) My baby sister also linked me to this webcomic: Princess Princess which is really cute. 

 I kind of want to try writing a long isn piece with Sarah from Labyrinth as a grown up and Jareth, in which they do have some kind of relationship but it is On Her Own Terms, because I saw Labyrinth for the first time in memory recently (1) and I now watch the final scene and Chilly Down when ever I need to get through Something Difficult.

(1) My dad, whose memory I trust because we share the ridiculous elephantine conversational recapture memory with random trauma blanks, and my sister, who is similar, both inform me that I did watch Labyrinth several times as a tiny!Inigo, and possibly also as a teen!Inigo. It probably got lost because of aforementioned trauma blanks, which is why I still keep my paper diaries, because sometimes they remind me that I actually read this Vonnegut I am reading now ten years ago, and it just got eaten by my brain. 

(That or I actually made a stupid deal with the Kindly Folk as a child or teenager. We cannot rule that out, guys)

1. It turns out that if you have major Mental Health Issues and specific learning difficulties, seeing student support and getting Additional Learning Support sessions is  a good idea, as the issues with your grades mightn't solely be that you are a terrible person and no good at anything and just faking being clever, but rooted in the dyspraxia and Mental health problems. (Have been having ALS for about six weeks now, grades have improved)

2. One of my texts for contains a Massive Trigger, BUT I have a tutor whose response to being told this (and me asking if I could excuse myself from classes during Triggery bits) was "Don't put yourself through that and risk making yourself more stressed about being vulnerable in front of people, just skip the classes where we're doing readthroughs, I know you've read the play" which is really good. (It also helps that I have a classmate who on seeing me massively triggered took me for coffee and told me that yes, I should raise this issue with the tutor, putting myself in that situation and trying to pretend it was fine was stupid. (The text is "The History Boys" by Alan Bennett, btw)

3. I went dancing on Saturday, this is a good thing in itself

4. I went dancing on Saturday, ran into my ex (who was there with current partners) and did not run away or die or have a massive panic attack, but instead had a small panic attack, did Things to Cope (had a smoke, texted Friend I Talk To Most Days to panic at him, went back in and focused on dancing) and managed to make small talk at the bar later in the evening with my ex, during which I also Did Not Die.

5. I got a Distinction on both my most recent modules in Literature, which is good.

6. I've accepted university offers and applied for Student Finance.

7. I have a date/datelike thing with a cute boy tomorrow. 

 I got onto two courses for September: Access to Higher education and A2 English. Two days in college plus study at home, texts including "The Dubliners" and "Whitsun Weddings", local Adult Ed college who've been good about the mental health and dyspraxia (need to email them before course starts about trans stuff, just to get it clear).

I'm volunteering at a local charity shop, which is weirdly confidence boosting. Am good at calmly doing monotonous things which are somewhat important. And this is an employable skill set.

I got my eyes tested and have new free glasses coming soon! Woo, NHS. I also, thanks to a kind friend, have a shiny sort of new macbook (a lot newer than M, my 2006 computer who, after a few valiant last gasps, stopped being able to type). Or, y'know, cope with the world in which he existed now  and 2013 internet. 

Therapy from last year is sticking, which helps. Also, after six years of people wanting to focus on my mental health issues and sorting my life out, and being a mental health guinea pig, I'm starting to be able to stand up to mental health services a bit more (i.e. get the things I want out of them, but realise that I don't have to go to every group/thing that is recommended if it is sending my anxiety through the roof, and asserting boundaries and stuff)

And I am talking to people, actual live people who I care about on a nearly daily basis, and not having a freakout when I am a bit odd because of mental health.

 I'm really enjoying being 24. Alright, my month or so of being 24 has involved a lot of horrible stuff (favourite auntie dying, interpersonal badness, getting physically ill several times, wanting to set fire to the news media, horrible things happening to friends, recurrence of some bad mental health stuff, my mental health theatre group closing, other stuff)

But... I just really like this age. For the following reasons:

• I feel like enough has happened to me, as a person, to be a decent writer. I don't feel that every time I mine my own experiences for something this means that character is me, or a better/worse/nicer me. I don't WANT to be my characters so much now, but I also don't feel as obliged to be a performative version of me at all times, which is lovely
• I have noticed a distinct drop in how often I'm ID-d, regardless of presentation. I think this may be for various reasons, one of which is that my friends and I now will be doing something like "going for a quiet drink after Sunday mass" and also have perfected the art of walking into a 'spoons and collapsing at a table/going to the bar in the traditional "oh my god I need a drink" fashion
• My time offline and out of being social appears to have done wonders for my ability to be social and make friends. Like, I can start chatting to someone at a demo/gig without my usual freakouts
• again, while I really wouldn't recommend 6+ years of being on enhanced CPA with mental health teams, and spending a lot of time and energy on managing a mental illness, it's now got to the point where I know myself, I know my intersecting mental health conditions, I've spent quite a lot of time in therapy and its... less effort. I would actually even be able to say that I think my six years of mental health treatment have been a good thing (funny isn't it, that it took me quite a while to actually be able to think of Being Medically Treated For Mental Health Issues as a Good Thing, in a way that Being Medically Treated For A Physical thing is something I'd probably regard as a net gain/not a bad thing.
• I have reached critical mass of Anecdotes, which is brilliant. I have a decent and wide ranging supply, which I am still nourishing regularly
• Just in general, I have a level of confidence I never thought I'd have. It feels mostly AMAZING

Good things:
I cut my hair. I didn't do it myself, but went to an hairdresser, and I now have shorter hair, in a vaguely Enid from Ghost world bob but with a fringe. The fringe is currently blonde. Soon I will be paid and then it may be hairdye time. Or I may retrieve the hairdye from James and then it shall be blue and blue black. And then blue and some other colour. (I am thinking bright blue and bright pink, possibly with some blue black, and I may add purple if I have any left.)
I have a boyfriend with blue hair. This is exciting. (also, you know, he's pretty wonderful in respects other than hair.)
I wrote a poem and had the guts to read it out in front of people, and that was not the terrifying hell I was expecting.
The weekend was awesome. Poetry and drinking until the early morning is win.
Madmen is also awesome, and if anyone can make me a Madmen icon I would be pleased (preferably Betty.)

Things about which I am not sure:
you know how you miss when I was completely melting and regularly blogged about my constant changes in medication and the side effects. Another anti depressant has been added to my meds, citalopram, and there's a possibility of a mood stabiliser as well, once my mood is, well, stable. I'm having a slight meds freakout, which I'll write about later.  (The whole it seems to take a lot of stuff, including stuff other than meds, to make this go away and that scares me and sometimes I have depression freakouts along the lines of maybe I'm fine really and just need to pull myself togehter, but that is majorly stupid, because I am doing as much as I am able.)

Going to go and write Maelstrom characters now.